


Let me stand to show that you are blind

by Notsaying97



Category: Arctic Monkeys, Last Shadow Puppets
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Smut, that gives way to fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:01:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25002799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Notsaying97/pseuds/Notsaying97
Summary: Two people who fear that they've lost each other try to find their way back together. They eat and listen to music and converse. Some of these endeavours are more successful than others.
Relationships: Miles Kane/Alex Turner
Comments: 8
Kudos: 53





	1. Said something dumb like “I’m tired of running.”

**Author's Note:**

> I've been thinking about 'See Ya When I See Ya' for two months straight and this happened.

Miles made his way to the door, fumbling slightly in the darkness and rubbing at his eyes with the sleeves of his silk pyjamas. The house was still filled with the scent of lavender and lemon from the bath he’d had before trying to go to sleep. He turned on a few lights as he walked towards the pummelling sound he’d heard at the door, which seemed to be faltering. He peered out through the peephole and felt his heart race increase, even more than it had been when he’d been startled out of his sleep by the noise.

He let his head drop against the door, relishing the gentle thump of his forehead on the wood and the solidity of the contact. He felt slightly more grounded and definitely more awake. He forced himself to take a few deep breaths, before opening the door. Alex stumbled through.

“Jesus, Al,” Miles commented, stepping away from him in shock. He’d seen Alex sporting dozens of different looks, and in varying stages of health, but it was always jarring to see a version of him that differed from the image that stayed in Miles’s mind when they were apart. The Alex in his head didn’t necessarily have a particular look or persona; it was a more nebulous impression that was difficult to pin down but encompassed a liveliness and joy that wasn’t there now. 

His mind’s Alex had a radiant beam and flushed cheeks and exuded vitality. He was laughing at a private joke between them or he was chatting animatedly about his latest passion. His limbs moved fluidly and constantly. 

The Alex in front of him couldn’t be more different. He looked somehow weak - Miles felt uncertain as to whether he would be able to continue to stand unsupported. His hair looked like it hadn’t been washed in weeks and his skin was pale and covered in a sheen of sweat. The t-shirt he was wearing had probably once been white, but unquestionably wasn’t now. There was no air of vitality. 

The dishevelled body appeared to be making its way towards the sofa and Miles recoiled at the thought of it. “No,” he snapped, slightly too harsh and urgent. He felt dizzy and overwhelmed. Alex turned round to meet his gaze for the first time. 

“No”, Miles repeated again, gentler this time. “It’s a new sofa, can you – let’s get you in the bath.” Alex looked at Miles with an expression of outrage. “Come on, you’ll feel better. Let me run it for you. Just don’t fucking touch anything.”

Miles headed to the bathroom and adjusted the water until it was the right temperature, adding the same bath salts as he had done for himself earlier. He caught sight of himself in the mirror as he left; he looked shaken. Closing his eyes and breathing in the clean scent, he tried to compose himself as he returned to Alex. The lemon felt harsh and sharp in his nostrils in a way that it hadn’t just a few hours ago. 

The man was standing in the middle of Miles’s sitting room, looking a bit confused and out of place. He was gazing at a picture on the wall, but didn’t really seem to be taking it in. Miles felt a surge of pity at the sight that left him reeling. Alex didn’t notice his return. “The bath’s running, you can head in now if you want. I’ll make you tea.” He was pleased with how steady his voice came out. 

Alex nodded dumbly in response. “Are you high?” Miles questioned, unsure whether to feel afraid or irritated by his listlessness. Alex shook his head. “Just drunk?” Miles continued. Alex, who had flipped from not looking at Miles at all to staring at him with wide eyes that managed to be both vacant and too intense, gave a gesture of assent. 

Miles made a sound of frustration and went to the kitchen to put the kettle on before he could let anger get the better of him. In the many months that had elapsed since they were last together, he’d promised himself that he wouldn’t get angry when he saw Alex again. That he’d be understanding and composed and patient. 

He recognised the futility of the resolution as the memory of their last encounter popped into his head, making him feel nauseous in a way he had thought would stop after a few weeks. The vision of Alex with red-rimmed, shining eyes, as Miles had walked out of his bedroom, telling him he couldn’t do this anymore, with all the drama that such a statement demanded, still burned in his mind. 

He made green tea for both of them, purposefully going through the motions in an effort to calm himself down. The fresh, earthy scent enveloped his mind in a warm, protective mist as he walked to his bedroom. 

He put the cups of tea down on the bedside table and sat down on the cotton sheets momentarily, straining to listen to the sounds in the bathroom. The water was still running, otherwise it was silent. An image of Alex’s body lying lifeless in the bath popped into his head unbidden and he made his way to the door of the bathroom in a slight panic. He rapped his knuckles against the door. “Alex? Everything alright?”

“Yeah.” His voice was quiet and sounded strained and desperate. The relief was instantaneous and humiliating. “Can you… can you come in?”

He walked in to find Alex still fully dressed, staring at the running water. He turned round to look at Miles, his eyes wide and scared looking. “I’m sorry – I can’t-” Alex broke off, squeezing his eyes shut with a pained expression.

Miles felt completely bewildered. “Alex… what is it?”

“I don’t know. ‘M just tired. Don’t wanna move.”

“OK,” Miles said, slightly desperately. He felt a need to keep going, to push past Alex’s odd behaviour. “Can I-?” Miles gestured towards his shirt and Alex nodded, lifting his arms above his head to let Miles take it off. Miles gulped, wondering if the tenderness of the gesture and its familiar intimacy affected Alex in the same way affected him and hating himself for wondering. 

He looked skinny, even skinnier than when Miles had last seen him topless, when he’d left his bedroom that morning, many months ago. He tossed the t-shirt into the laundry. Alex remained completely motionless, though his knees seemed to falter. Miles moved him to sit on the toilet. He knelt down and removed Alex’s socks. He felt Alex’s hands grazing the side of his head, almost cautiously, and looked up at him. Alex suddenly seemed a lot more present; his gaze was focused on Miles filled with gratitude and something else that Miles couldn’t decipher. 

Alex gave him a little smile of appreciation and moved to take his own trousers off, which Miles was thankful for. He busied himself by checking the temperature of the water and sorting out the soaps while Alex finished getting undressed. When he felt Alex gripping his arm, he helped support him as he clambered into the bath, splashing the floor slightly. Miles took off his own top so as not to get it wet and went back into the bedroom to place it on the bed. He grabbed a cup of tea and returned to Alex.

Alex lay in the bath with his eyes closed and Miles couldn’t help but watch him for a moment, taking in his damp curls that still looked angelic even while covered in grease, and his solemn expression. “Here’s your tea”, he murmured, trying not to break the atmosphere, which had become almost peaceful. Alex sipped at it, strangely graceful, then handed it back to Miles, their fingers brushing lightly. Alex’s eyes fluttered shut again, wet eyelashes brushing against his cheeks heavily. Miles left the cup on the counter. 

“Y’know you actually need to get cleaned at some point if you want to get into my bed?” Miles commented, in a teasing, off-hand tone, to divert attention away from the part of the statement that revealed he was going to let Alex back into his bed. The tactic failed. Alex’s eyes snapped open and he stared at Miles. He had the nerve to look surprised, as if he hadn’t known Miles would crumble, as he had crumbled many times before. 

It was some comfort that Alex immediately reached for the shampoo, with almost comic speed, and started to scrub rather ineffectively. With a resigned sigh Miles batted Alex’s hands away from his head and took over. Alex made a quiet little huff of contentment, leaning in as Miles began washing his hair, adding more shampoo and working it up into a lather. It became so thick that it completely obscured Alex’s hair, and Miles smiled to himself at the thought of Alex with a shock of white hair. 

“You’re really into lavender at the moment.” Alex murmured and Miles shrugged. “‘Is nice,” Alex continued, closing his eyes again, a small, pleased smile on his face. Miles turned the showerhead on and directed it at Alex, who jumped and let out a strange hissing sound that made Miles laugh. Alex narrowed his eyes at Miles but let him rinse his hair. Miles turned off the water and watched as Alex shook his hair, waiting for him to finish, before briefly turning the water back on to soak Alex once again. The sight of Alex, drenched and disgruntled, was just as entertaining as Miles had expected it to be, and he cackled loudly. Alex recovered quickly from his irritation at the sound, smiling up at Miles as if pleased with himself for having been amusing. 

“Right, you can finish up in here?” Miles said abruptly. Alex blinked at him. “Towels are there. I’ll get you something to wear.” Miles left the bathroom, trying not to think about how strangely easy things felt, despite everything. 

He grabbed another white t-shirt for Alex, this one actually white and devoid of holes, and a pair of silk pyjama bottoms, and tossed them onto the bed. Alex emerged, wrapped in Miles’s dressing gown with his initials embossed. A horrible thrill coursed through his body. “Clothes are there. D’you want something to eat? Some water?” he asked, shooting off the questions rapidly. He didn’t want to look at Alex standing gingerly at the foot of his bed, tiny body engulfed in the soft, white material of the gown. 

“Water’d be good,” Alex mumbled, seemingly embarrassed to be making a request. 

“I’ll be back in a bit.” Miles swept out of the room hurriedly. 

He returned to find Alex already in his bed in his clothes. He was curled in on himself, as if in pain. On the pillow there were damp patches from where his still wet hair was dripping onto the cotton. Miles decided not to comment, though the voice of his aunt informing him he’d wake up with a cold popped into his mind. 

Alex propped himself up as he noticed Miles and reached out to take the glass of water from him. He sipped slowly, his throat seemingly working hard to get the water down. “I’m sorry,” Alex said. His voice was rough. 

Miles blinked and Alex looked down at his lap, shaking his head, before trying to continue with some difficulty. “I shouldn’t have… I know it’s unfair… to-to show up like this. It wasn’t-” Alex huffed in frustration, appearing to give up.

Miles didn’t want to have this conversation now. He was exhausted and it didn’t seem likely Alex would have anything very enlightening to say at this moment. “It was unfair,” he admitted, and Alex nodded along glumly. “But you’re still my mate, Al, even if-” His throat prevented him from continuing, constricted by memories of past conversations. Alex shot him an anxious look but Miles shrugged. “You should sleep. You look like you need it.” This time, his voice cooperated with him, and he sounded pleasantly airy and unconcerned.

Alex began to shoot him what looked worryingly like a flirtatious grin, before he appeared to think better of it and his face dropped into neutral. “Yeah. Sorry to wake you.”

Miles crawled into bed, an appropriate distance away from Alex. His muscles longed for him to wrap himself around Alex’s body and hold him down, to feel the grounding presence of his warm skin. Judging by the way Alex’s fingers twitched against the cotton sheets, he was gripped by a similar impulse. Miles switched off the light and lay on his side facing away from him. He could feel tension in the air. They’d never slept this far apart when they were in the same bed and they were both all too aware of this. 

“I really am sorry,” Alex murmured into the darkness. “For all of it.” His voice sounded far steadier in the darkness than it had all night and was filled with remorse.

Miles felt the residual anger leaving his body. He was so tired. “I’m sorry too. I could have handled stuff better. It weren’t all you.”

“Well. It were more me.”

Miles laughed and it wasn’t nearly as harsh as it might have been. “Not gonna argue wi’ that.”

Alex went quiet for a few minutes and the silence felt suffocating. He eventually broke it. “I’m glad that you’ve seemed happy. It’s been nice to see. Good to know someone’s been having a good time.” Alex’s statement was made slightly discordant by the mournful note in his voice. 

Miles could just about make out his open eyes in the darkness, shiny and dark. “You haven’t?” 

Miles heard the sheets being ruffled in response to that – a shrug. “I’ve missed ya,” Alex said in a hushed voice, like it was an awful confession. 

Miles heart twisted painfully. “You should sleep, Al.”

“Goodnight, Miles.”

“’Night, Al.”

Miles worried it would take him ages to fall asleep, his night having been heavily disrupted by Alex’s presence and his mind whirring with all the possibilities for what came next. Yet, the knowledge of Alex’s presence and the sounds of his breathing along with the occasional odd, quiet mewls and groans lulled him to sleep despite himself. 

~

Miles woke up glad to notice that he and Alex weren’t entwined around each other. The positions of their bodies appeared strangely rigid and unnatural with the effort it had taken to resist. To not simply allow themselves to thoughtlessly take comfort in each other. It felt meaningful. It didn’t change the fact that he still smiled as he noted Alex’s fingers grazing against his arm, as if he just wanted some assurance of Miles’s presence.

Miles got out of bed, not wanting to succumb to the temptation of simply gazing at Alex’s peaceful sleeping body. He stepped into the shower and took his time getting himself clean, as well as trying to mentally prepare himself for the day ahead. He wondered whether Alex would simply disappear. He scratched roughly at his scalp. 

He was pleased to find that Alex was still asleep, as he slipped into a tracksuit, it would give him more time to avoid actually speaking to the man about whatever had happened. He thought he had a pretty good idea anyway and he couldn’t decide about how he felt about it. 

Suddenly feel ravenous, Miles made himself scrambled eggs and bacon, toasting some bread and adding cream cheese to it. The smells must have alerted Alex, who had oddly keen senses, and soon the man was shuffling his way towards the kitchen. Miles’s pyjama trousers were slightly too long on Alex, and he smiled at the sight. 

“You look alright,” Miles commented, slightly surprised to find he no longer appeared to be on death's door. “How’s the hangover?”

“Not too bad. Weren’t actually that drunk. Just felt out of it,” he said, making a self-conscious sound that was probably meant to be a laugh. He took a plate of food from Miles and smiled sadly at it. Miles frowned at him, confused by the reaction, until Alex explained himself. “You’re being so nice. I don’t deserve it.”

Miles found himself suddenly angry with Alex for the apology. It felt like he was drawing attention to Miles’s weakness and it made him burn with shame. He tried to reign it in, saying with slight jokiness to belie his bitterness: “It’s just fucking eggs on toast, Alex. Jesus.” 

Alex huffed out a laugh, refusing to meet his eye. “Yeah. Well. It’s nice of you, is all.”

“You need to eat. You look really skinny. Can’t have the two of us looking like twins again, can we?” he said, elbowing Alex.

He and Alex started eating, and Miles felt bizarrely pleased that Alex actually looked hungry, and like he was enjoying what had been put in front of him. He was a picky eater, but easy to please if you fed him one of the dishes that he enjoyed and was familiar with. 

“Your scrambled eggs are very good,” Alex announced appreciatively. 

Miles grinned at his predictability. “In comparison to your scrambled eggs, everything is good, Al. That’s not high praise.” Bickering about the same things as always felt good and safe, but Miles was also tired of skirting around everything. “Does she not do good scrambled eggs then?”

“She didn’t, no.” 

Confirmation, Miles thought, feeling somewhat vindicated, yet also irritated for reasons he didn’t want to think about. “Sorry about that,” Miles offered lamely - they both knew he wasn’t, not exactly. “Where is she then?”

“Still at my place, I’d imagine,” Alex said in an offhand way that irritated Miles further. 

If Alex wasn’t going to offer any more information willingly, Miles would just have to try harder. “You gonna go back in a bit?”

“I’d rather not.” His tone was light but Miles could sense his unease. Miles didn’t respond, waiting for Alex to continue. “We ended things last night. Officially, that is. Was over a while ago really. I… things weren’t working out. I’m sorry for coming over here like that, and with no warning. Didn’t know where to go… and I- I guess I just wanted to see you.” 

“You wanted to see me?” Miles asked incredulously. “Nice little drunken, post-breakup social call?” He relished the startled expression on Alex’s face.

“That wasn’t- not like that. I don’t… it were daft of me. I sort of… got it into my head that maybe you didn’t exist? God, I’m not explaining this well.” Alex’s expression was pained. “I just wanted to make sure you were real. I needed to see you. But I should have resisted. I shouldn’t have brought all this to you. I’m sorry.”

Tired of Alex’s confused ramblings and apologies, Miles shook his head in resignation. “It’s fine, as I said. We’re still mates, you’ll always be my mate.”

Alex nodded and chewed on his lower lip. He looked small and pathetic and Miles resented it massively. “You do need to go back though, at some point. Don’t know how things ended but you don’t really want her burning the place down. It’s quite a nice place.”

Alex swatted playfully at the back of his head. “You old Daily Mail sensationalist. It weren’t that dramatic. But yeah. I will. Could I get cleaned up and borrow something to wear?” he asked cautiously. 

“Sure. Just look through the closet, you can take whatever,” Miles said with a shrug, taking their plates to the sink.

Alex returned a while later looking unfairly lovely. He was in a pair of jeans that were far too tight on him and that he’d had to fold several times in order for them not to drag on the floor. He was also in one of Miles’s Fred Perry button-ups. He looked oddly young and optimistic. He suddenly felt a surge of pity for the woman who was about to be kicked out of Alex’s home. 

“Hope it goes alright.” He hoped it didn’t sound disingenuous, because it wasn’t. 

Alex gave him a grateful smile, so he assumed his words were taken as well-meaning. “Thanks. Think it will. Could I… could I come over later? I could bring us something to eat or summat?” He sounded hesitant and a little afraid of rejection.

Miles felt his mind whir as he tried to work out what he should do. He gave into the loudest voice in his head. “Yeah. Sounds good. Just let me know when you’re on your way over.”

“I will.” Alex said with a small smile and left.

“Fuck.” Miles muttered to the empty flat. 

~

Alex returned laden with curry at precisely the time he’d texted saying he would arrive at. The part of Miles that was used to their plans being foiled by the women in Alex’s life was surprised. Most of him, however, was just pleased to see him, and to see curry. 

“How was it?” Miles asked, because he felt he should, but also because he was curious. 

“It was alright. It’s been a while coming,” Alex replied calmly, with a dismissive gesture. 

Miles eyed him suspiciously. “You’re being pretty relaxed about it all. Bit of a different picture from last night.”

This seemed to give Alex pause for thought. “Yeah. You’re right. I don’t know. We’ve talked it out, y’know?” Miles shrugged - he didn’t know. “It’s alright, as I said, it weren’t unexpected and it’s been over for a while, really,” Alex repeated. “Things are going to be better now. I feel better already,” he intoned decisively, as if simply saying it would make it real. 

Miles continued to regard him dubiously. Alex busied himself with unpacking the curry. Miles followed suit and went to get them stuff to eat off of. He grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge. 

“Want to watch something?” Miles asked, not really wanting to talk to Alex but also not wanting for them to eat in silence. Alex hummed his assent. Miles briefly contemplated putting on wrestling to punish Alex, but decided ‘The Devil Wears Prada’ was a more suitable ordeal to put him through, and wouldn’t risk ruining something he loved more than Alex had already managed to ruin it for him. Now wasn’t the time to talk about Golden Trunks, he thought. 

Alex surprised Miles by staying completely attentive throughout the entire film. Miles found he was the one getting antsy, which wasn’t entirely unusual. What was unusual was not being able to play with Alex’s hair or kiss his neck until Alex gave in and pushed him against the back of the sofa to snog him senseless. Now they didn’t touch at all. Miles didn’t they’d ever watched a film without touching, even with other people around. 

When the film ended Alex surprised Miles further by saying he should probably head home. Miles found it difficult to mask this reaction, having assumed, not entirely unreasonably giving past patterns, that Alex would be staying over. “OK. Thanks for bringing food,” he said, hoping it didn’t come out as discomfited.

Alex didn’t appear to notice, or was willing to ignore it. “No problem. Are you busy tomorrow?”

Miles felt wary about seeing Alex again so soon. It felt like Alex was trying to create boundaries, or at least break free from familiar patterns, and he wanted to have a say in this too. “I’m seeing some mates for lunch. We might hang out for a while.”

“Oh. That’s cool.” Alex nodded repeatedly, looking down at the floor a bit dejectedly. 

Miles relented. The boundaries ought not to be about making Alex feel unwanted. “How ‘bout the day after?” 

Alex looked up at him with bright, round eyes. “Great,” he enthused. “Shall I bring round food again?”

“Nah, I’ll order something.”

“I’ve got to bring something. Wine? Something sweet?” He sounded charmingly eager.

Miles tried to supress a smile. Bringing round wine. “Sure, if you want.”

“What time should I come round?”

“How about seven?” Miles suggested, expecting Alex to actually be there around eight. 

“Wonderful. See you then.” Alex stood awkwardly, staring at the door and paused halfway in the act of making his way towards it. Miles smiles slightly at the sight and wrapped one arm around Alex, clapping him on the back. Alex offered a shy, pleased quirk of his mouth and patted his shoulder lightly before leaving. 

Miles slumped down on the sofa, picking up his beer and taking a long swig. He picked up a cheetah print pillow and placed it on his lap, clutching it like a child would clutch a beloved toy for comfort. He rested his head along the back of the sofa and let his mind replay the evening. It had felt difficult and stilted in a way that was unfamiliar and, now he thought about it, distressing. 

His fingers stroked against the grain of the pillow. He willed himself to think more rationally about the situation. He wanted Alex back in his life, and he’d known it would take time. He just had to give it time. He also knew that, at some point, he’d have to discuss where they stood, but he was dreading it. 

He knew his feelings for Alex hadn’t changed; he’d more or less resigned himself to that a few years ago. Yet, he still didn’t know how Alex felt, and he feared that Alex hadn’t worked it out either. There was, however, something in Alex’s caution that made him think he’d taken in what Miles had told him when he’d tried to storm out of Alex’s life. He desperately, pathetically, hoped he had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have the rest of this mostly written, was going to wait till it was finished before publishing but I need to motivate myself. Let me know what you think or if you feel like doing some proof-reading for me!
> 
> Chapter title from 'Ideal Husband' by Father John Misty


	2. I've walked for miles, my feet are hurting

When Alex arrived two days later at five past seven, Miles was surprised. “You’re early.”

Alex looked at him, confused. “No, I’m not. I’m a bit late actually. Sorry about that.” At Miles’s incredulous look, Alex continued. “Yeah. Just trying to do better about time. Know it annoys you.”

“It’s annoyed me for fifteen years, Al,” Miles returned, with a slight smile to show that he didn’t bear a grudge. Anyway, he reckoned Alex knew it would be fairly low on the list of grudges he could hold. 

Alex shrugged his shoulders. “Brought some wine. And doughnuts.”

“Thanks. Looks great. Dinner won’t be ready for a bit though. Weren’t expecting you for a bit,” he said, knowing he was being petty but unable to stop himself. 

Alex looked at him carefully. “Have I really set your expectations so low?” He sounded terribly serious. 

Miles shrugged. He suddenly felt incredibly tired and rather sad. 

With a frown, Alex responded, “I’ll do better.” Miles gave a non-committal hum but the resolve in Alex’s voice pleased him. “Did ye say you were cooking?” Alex asked.

“Yep. It’s basic stuff. Made a tomato sauce earlier. Just need to boil the pasta now and put some roast veg in the oven.” He rifled through his cabinets to retrieve a box of tagliatelle. 

“I’ll help,” Alex offered. 

Miles found his eagerness to please rather endearing, despite himself. Helping with the cooking for Alex consisted mostly of him watching Miles and staring at the food with a slightly puzzled expression. He looked even more awkward than usual and Miles eventually took pity on him. “Why don’t you put on a record or something?” he suggested.

Looking intensely relieved, Alex walked over to the record player. “What’d you want?”

“I don’t mind. Feeling something old school though.”

In a few minutes, the sound of The Ronettes came on. Miles’s heart started to beat quickly. It’s just music, ignore the fucking words, he thought grimly as they sang ‘I wish that I could hold you tight, why don't they let us fall in love?’ If Alex started to sing he was going to murder him. 

Alex returned to the kitchen and Miles shoved some vegetables at him in an effort not to think about the song. When it finally ended he felt a flash of relief. Until he heard the sounds of ‘Be My Baby’ and briefly contemplated simply bursting into tears.

The last time they’d heard the song together, they’d been tipsy and happy and loose. He’d started to sing along with it, acting out the words dramatically. Alex had looked at him with such fondness that Miles had dragged him off of the sofa, taking both his hands in his and forcing him to dance. They’d both ended up shouting the words at each other fervently. By the time ‘Baby, I Love You’ had come on they were back on the sofa, exchanging slow, sweet kisses, and breaking off to whisper the words against each other’s mouths, before breaking off into giggles.

Miles blinked hard, trying to shake himself out of the reverie. He risked a glance at Alex who looked intensely stiff. It appeased Miles to realise that even if Alex had picked this record intentionally, he was reconsidering it now. 

As ‘(The Best Part Of) Breaking Up’ came on, Miles found a way to break the tension. Or at least redirect it. “So is the best part of breaking up, when you're making up?”

“No,” Alex said with a rueful little smile. 

“How are you feeling about it all?”

“Relieved, honestly.” 

Miles took the vegetables from Alex and put them in the roasting tin, lightly seasoning them, before chucking it all in the oven. Alex did look relieved, he thought. 

“Are you seeing anyone then?” Alex asked, and he almost succeeded in sounding nonchalant. 

“No. I’m on a cleanse,” he responded, shooting Alex a grin that he hoped came off as cheeky. Alex didn’t look up, frowning, as he appeared to absorb the information.

“What have you been up to then?” 

Miles snorted derisively. “’Cause life must be completely empty without a girlfriend.”

Alex gaped at him, horrified. “No! That weren’t – that really weren’t what I meant. Just wanted you to tell me what you’ve been doing. You’re always doing interesting things.” 

“Flatterer,” Miles returned, pleased despite himself. He chatted aimlessly about some new projects he was working on, growing more comfortable at the interest that Alex was so plainly taking in what he was saying. 

By the time the food was ready and they were sat at the table things felt almost normal. Alex was chatting a little more too, looser now that he had some alcohol in him. He looked lovely, Miles couldn’t help but think. He appeared well-rested and happy, cheeks slightly flushed from the wine. His eyes were bright and his hair was soft and fluffy in a way that made Miles long to muss it up. 

He let himself gaze as Alex gesticulated oddly, animatedly talking about a film he’d seen recently. His expression must have given away his thoughts in a way he hadn’t thought it would because Alex stopped speaking. Typically, when Alex got started on something he tended to become oblivious to his surroundings, leaving Miles free to stare to his heart’s content. This time Alex broke off to give Miles a shy smile that appeared sweetly self-conscious. “Am I talking too much?”

“No, course not. Sounds like a good film.” He longed to watch Alex in his element again and to hear his voice, high and animated in his enthusiasm. “What else’ve you been watching?”

Alex took the obvious bait with pleasure, launching straight back into it. Miles was a little more careful to temper his reactions this time, with some difficulty, as an unabashedly passionate Alex was difficult not to be enraptured by. He loved the way his very features appeared to be transformed by the force of his energy. 

When Alex left, at a respectable hour, with a request to come round for tea in a day or two, Miles gave in to the urge to pull him in for a hug. He tried to ignore how they both melted into it, Alex wrapping his arms tightly around him to bring their bodies even closer together. Miles felt suddenly afraid his body might refuse to let go, but that very thought made him pull away. As he did so, he felt Alex rubbing the sides of their faces together and he broke out into a grin. They smiled at each other for a moment, before Alex walked out the door. 

Miles went to clear up the plates and glasses. He stopped the record player and took out his phone, opening up Spotify and putting his 60s playlist on shuffle, feeling in the mood for more of it. He wouldn’t be listening to The Ronettes for a while though. He burst into laughter when ‘Tower of Strength’ came on, and he finished the washing up singing it to himself, complete with dramatic gulps of air. 

-

“Do you want to go for a walk tomorrow? Like, on the Heath or summat?”

Alex had been round for tea almost every day for a week. He’d stayed for supper a few times but mostly seemed to not want to overstay his welcome. This sort of considerate behaviour was new, and Miles had yet to decide whether or not it was welcome. Miles was getting used to the routine of it anyway, and he was a bit surprised that Alex was offering to switch it up. 

“Really? You’re alright with being seen out?”

“Well. Incognito. Wear something inconspicuous.”

Miles rolled his eyes. “Gonna wear me leopard print jacket and some red trousers. Maybe with me glittery heels.”

Alex surprised Miles by saying solemnly, “You can if you want.”

Miles smiled. “No, course not. I don’t wanna be spotted either.” The thought of the two of them being allowed to take a walk somewhere filled Miles with a deep sense of pleasure.

“I’m surprised you could list all of those items in the same sentence. Really wouldn’t work,” Alex said lightly, with a teasing grin. 

Barking out a surprised laugh, Miles replied in a mocking tone: “fashion advice from Alex Turner? Who’d’ve thought.” He shook his head and smiled. “But you’re right. I did feel a bit sick thinking about it. And I’m not afraid of clashing. Also, wouldn’t want to ruin the heels.”

Alex shot him a fondly exasperated look. “Course not, we couldn’t have you getting too mucky. I’ll drive round to collect you tomorrow eh?”

Miles agreed, which was how he found himself on the way to Hampstead the next day. He started laughing when he jumped into the car and saw Alex in a dark raincoat and joggers. He thought he also caught a glimpse of shoes that looked like trainers. He had dressed fairly similarly himself – inconspicuous and practical. 

Alex shot him a curious, amused look. “What?” 

Miles shook his head at him. “Nothing. They’re in sensible shoes.” He paused for a moment, looking at Alex.

A beat later, they both exclaimed: “They’re in purple cagoules.” They burst into laughter.

“Why’d you want to go to the Heath anyway?” Miles asked after their laughter had subsided. 

Alex hummed, considering. “Haven’t been out much lately. Thought it’d be nice. Get some sunlight, y’know.”

Miles nodded in agreement. He alternated between watching Alex and gazing out of the window, taking in the diverse array of shops and the monotonous white houses. He was glad to be in London. LA had been lovely, but he didn’t miss it anymore. London felt like home. He wondered whether it felt like that for Alex, but didn’t ask. 

Alex parked outside a large mansion that looked like something straight out of a camp horror film. Miles loved it. It had high walls, impressive gates and a ridiculous sign stating ‘DO NOT ENTER. LARGE DOGS MAY BE RUNNING FREE.’ Miles approached the gate, before being startled back by the sound of a large dog. Alex cackled unfavourably and Miles glared at him. 

“It’s a really cool house,” Alex offered. “Completely absurd. The Rolling Stones’ ‘Beggars Banquet’ album cover was shot here.”

“Oh, that’s mega! What an album cover!” Miles enthused. He contemplated an album cover featuring Alex and him in a manor house. 

Alex told him about the films that had been shot at the house as they walked towards a quiet part of the Heath that was more forest-like than heath-like. Miles inhaled deeply, taking in the rich, damp scent. They ambled their way through the woods, chatting idly when something caught their attention, but mostly enjoying the quiet. There was barely anyone else around, and when they heard someone, they could weave their way through the trees to avoid being seen.

They got to a spot where a large tree had fallen over, and Miles leapt onto it. He turned round to look at Alex, who was eyeing him with amusement. Miles outstretched a hand theatrically, offering it to Alex, who ducked his head with exaggerated bashfulness and looked up at him through his lashes, before coyly taking the hand on offer. It made Miles giggle but also sent a surge of longing through him. Alex always looked good at this angle, but particularly with his hair slightly damp and wind-swept, and with his cheeks flushed pink. 

He pulled Alex up, and then placed a hand on his waist to steady him. Alex’s body shuddered slightly towards him. He glanced at Alex’s face to find that he was gazing at his mouth, his dark eyes wholly focused. For a brief moment, Miles wondered whether maybe he’d been wrong and things could go back to the way they were before he realised he wanted Alex exclusively. Maybe they could kiss and get drunk and have fun at some times, and at other times not. Maybe this time it wouldn’t hurt him when they stopped. Miles jumped off the log.

Alex stayed in place, pouting slightly until Miles offered him another hand and helped him down. He had a small, pleased smile on his face that made Miles roll his eyes. It also distracted him to the extent that he didn’t realise that he and Alex were still holding hands until they’d walked quite a bit further. 

Alex appeared to be doing his best to pretend he hadn’t noticed either, looking around at things and humming slightly, one corner of his lips upturned. Miles’s heart suddenly started to beat rapidly and he could feel his palms growing clammy. He pulled away from Alex.

“Race you there.” He exclaimed suddenly, gesturing to a point at the top of the trail, as far as they could see. He tore off, not waiting for Alex’s protest, simply enjoying the surge of adrenaline. 

When he’d reached the top, he stopped to catch his breath and to look at Alex, who was running after him. Miles laughed breathlessly when Alex reached him, looking disgruntled. The sunlight through the trees made Alex’s hair glow auburn in dappled patches.

“I didn’t sign up for a fucking run,” Alex whined. 

“That weren’t even a run, Al. It were like, ten metres.”

Alex huffed, panting slightly. “Of difficult terrain.”

Miles stared at his open mouth, his pink tongue hanging slightly out. “Ok, no more running. Promise. Just a gentle walk. Granny.”

Alex glared but led the way forward. “Haven’t been doing much exercise recently. Should probably get back into it.”

Miles cast a glance at Alex. “Only if you like it. No point forcing yourself. A bit’s good though. Makes me feel better when I’m low.”

“Me too,” Alex agreed. “I liked boxing. Might try that again.”

Miles swallowed. He’d liked Alex boxing too. A memory pops into his head of a sweaty Alex grinning at him with clenched fists, his biceps glistening. “Yeah? I’ve been trying to keep going with it. It’s fun.”

Alex asked him what he’d learnt recently and Miles gave him a rundown of the highlights of recent sessions. 

They reached a lake and paused. Alex stared out at the still water and Miles couldn’t help but be drawn in by his tranquil, contemplative expression. He stood beside him and wrapped a hand round his waist. Alex leaned into him, resting his head against Miles’s shoulder. “I missed this.” He mumbled, so quietly Miles almost missed it.

“Missed what?” Miles replied, also quiet. He let his eyes fix on the still blue-green water, noticing the tiny ripples caused by movements under the surface. 

“Just this. Being with you.” Alex nuzzled against him, brushing his lips against Miles’s jacket.

“I’ve missed it too,” he admitted. He didn’t want Alex to know how much he had, but he suspected Alex already knew. 

Alex let out a sigh that sounded like relief. “Come over to my place on Friday. I’ll cook you something.”

Miles snorted, turning round to face Alex and pulling Alex round to face him, both hands now on his waist. “You’re going to cook?” he teased, with raised eyebrows and a grin on his face. 

Alex’s hips stuttered slightly towards Miles with the force of his grip, so he placed his hands on Miles’s shoulders to steady himself. “I am,” he replied confidently. 

Miles leaned down so their foreheads were resting and shook his head, slightly incredulously, so their hair ruffled together. When he pulled away, Alex was beaming at him, and he patted his cheek to stop himself from doing anything rash. “OK. I’ll be there.”

-

Alex cooking for him seemed to consist mostly of popping a pre-made pizza in the oven, but it was a nice one, and Alex had made an effort, so he didn’t mind. The table was already set, and Alex poured him a glass of wine as soon he made it through the door. He looked a bit flustered and Miles wondered whether he was anxious. The grey t-shirt he was wearing had a flour stain on it that Miles wanted to rub off. 

“I’ll get the pizza out,” Alex said hurriedly. “You can put a record on if you like.” 

Miles walked over to the record player, smirking as he took out the record. “Really, Al? The Smiths?” 

Alex coloured slightly, turning back to the pizza. “What? They’re good.”

Miles laughed, there was something about Alex’s defensiveness that touched him. “Not gonna dispute that, am I? Marr’s a legend. Mega playing with him weren’t it? Not really the vibe I’m feeling right this moment though.”

He rifled his way through Alex’s records. He settled on Frank Sinatra and they sat down to eat. Alex was quieter than he’d been recently, but Miles didn’t mind, he was happy to chat at Alex and have him watch him interestedly. He’d always enjoyed having Alex’s attention. There was something about his laser-focus that made him special and important. 

After they’d finished the pizza Alex got up to clear the table. Miles made to help him, but Alex placed a hand on his shoulder, keeping him in place. “Wait. Meal’s not over yet. I made a tiramisu.”

Miles smiled up at him. “Did ya? Looking forward to it. I’ll help you clear up anyway.”

Alex shrugged and let him carry his plate to the kitchen. Alex took the tiramisu and a dessert wine out of the fridge. Miles found he rather liked the sight of Alex carrying it all over, an amusingly serious expression on his face. “Ooh, decadent.” Miles teased. 

“Al! This is really good!” Miles informed him loudly once he’d had a bite. It was. The coffee and wine tasted rich and dark and the sponge was soft and juicy but not soggy. The sweet cream and bitter cocoa provided a delightful contrast and he savoured the flavours as they mingled in his mouth. 

Alex smiled down at his plate bashfully. “’S easy, really. Just put alcohol in anything and it makes it good.” He looked pleased. 

Miles laughed. “Oh, humble, little Alex Turner! It is good, not just the alcohol.”

“Not just the alcohol?” Alex questioned, suddenly curiously serious.

“No,” Miles confirmed, matching Alex’s sincerity. “You’re just good.”

When they’d finished the tiramisu, they moved into the sitting room. Alex appeared to contemplate turning on the TV, before reconsidering and joining Miles on the sofa. Miles took the opportunity to ask a question he’d avoided asking, one that was sure to make Alex regret not putting something on to watch when he’d had the chance.

“So, you been writing much lately?”

Predictably, Alex freezes. “Um…. I’ve been… um- ”

Miles simply waited, knowing Alex would eventually formulate something. 

“I’ve… yes. Yes. I’ve written a bit for the Monkeys album.” He paused, chewing on his lip and looking faintly sad. “It hasn’t been a great time for some of the lads, y’know, so it’s a bit… it’s a bit – um- difficult.”

Miles almost regretted asking, watching Alex swallow hard and rub roughly at his head. “I’m sorry about that. Hope things look up for all of you. It’s fine about the album though. You can take as long as you want. Anyway, I’m sure it’s great.”

Alex smiled ruefully, quite for a few moments till he looked up at Miles with a gentler expression. “What I’ve heard of your next album sounds great.”

“You haven’t heard that much.”

“No,” Alex agreed. “I’m missing out. Could I hear some now?”

Miles felt his heart rate increase. For some reason, he was suddenly acutely afraid of Alex’s judgement. “Yeah, you want to? I’ve got some recordings on me phone-”

“No, I – live?” Alex asked, hopeful and cautious. 

Miles grinned, putting on a voice. “You want me to put on a live show for you, Mr Turner?”

Alex laughed, mimicking him. “I would be very much obliged if you would, Mr Kane.”

Miles slipped back into his own voice. “OK. Sure. I’d like to check out new additions to your guitar collection anyway.”

“Oh, there are some good ones!” Alex jumped off the sofa, proffering a hand, which Miles accepted without hesitation, despite very much knowing the way to Alex’s home studio. 

Miles went through Alex’s collection, letting Alex tell him eagerly about his recent purchases. Once he’d tested a few, he began to play a song that almost no one had heard but that he knew would impress Alex. It seemed to do the trick, as Alex fell silent, watching Miles carefully, though as he got into the song, he became less aware of his surroundings. 

When he’d finished he turned to look up at Alex, who was watching him with a hungry expression that was familiar to Miles and always thrilled him. It was not, therefore, that much of a surprise when, moments later, Alex kissed him. Miles felt himself give in immediately. He’d missed Alex’s mouth. It felt so natural to sink right back into him, as he’d been doing for over a decade. 

The kiss quickly turned rough and desperate, startling Miles slightly with its intensity. It wasn’t exactly that it was unusual, but they tended to ease into this sort of kissing a bit more slowly when they hadn’t been together for a while. 

Alex bit hard on his lower lip and Miles groaned but made an effort to ease the kiss, cradling Alex’s face and angling it so that he could control the intensity. Alex let out a desperate whining sound and tried to arch his face closer. When he failed to break free from Miles’s grip, he grabbed at Miles’s hands, trying to push them into his hair and he moaned when Miles gave in and tugged lightly at his hair. 

Miles felt Alex relax against him, his body growing limp as he let Miles kiss him deeply and slowly. When Miles broke away to catch his breath, Alex breathed against his neck, “It’s always so much better with you.” Alex punctuated the statement with a kiss to Miles’s skin before moving back up to kiss his mouth. Miles sighed into it and silently agreed with Alex, feeling dizzy. “You’re amazing. I love you,” Alex murmured against his mouth.

Miles stilled and pulled away. “Al, stop.”

“What?” Alex asked. He looked confused and scared. 

“You can’t just – you can’t do that.” Miles rubbed his hands across his face. He felt entirely overwhelmed and unable to work out what he was feeling or what to do next. 

“Is it… is it because you don’t - ” Alex paused and ran a hand through his hair before looking up at Miles. “Have you had better, then?”

Miles let out a harsh laugh. 

“So you have?” Alex questioned.

“Jesus, Al, that’s really not what this is about. You just can’t keep turning to me when you need it.” 

Alex nodded, looking miserable. “I know. I know. That’s not what I’m doing. I thought… thought maybe we’d do it all proper this time.” 

Miles stared at him, bewildered. “Is that what this has been about? Acting the proper little gentleman?”

“No!” Alex said, frustrated. “I wanted to – I know you said – I just.” He paused and groaned before saying softly and forlornly. “I don’t know. I just want to get it right this time. It’s not acting. It’s what I want, to be around you. I’m a fucking terrible actor.” He rubbed an eye with vigour. “Is it… is it what you want?” he asked cautiously, sounding small and forlorn. 

Miles swallowed. “Look, Al, I think… I think it would be best if we spent a bit of time apart.” At Alex’s horrified expression, Miles rushed to explain, “just, like, a few weeks. I just don’t want this to be like everything else, where ye throw yourself into something to fill a hole then it all falls apart. I don’t want it to be me just because I’m here.” It pained him physically to say it. 

Alex looked shattered. “That’s not what I’m doing. God, Miles. That’s not what I’ve been doing. I’m sorry if you – I’m sorry. I’ve been thinking about this for some time. A long time. Since we – since you said you couldn’t… couldn’t anymore. And I feel like I can see clearly for the first time in a while. I wouldn’t do this unless I was serious. I know it’s a really big thing, like.” 

Miles paused and took a deep breath; he was getting too accusatory. “Al, love, y’know there’s nothing I want more than this, I just don’t think this is how I want it to start. We both need time to think.”

Alex nodded. “Yeah. Ok. You’re right. Time. Ok.” He looked a bit lost and Miles took pity. He sat down next to Alex on the sofa and joined their hands together. Alex stared down at where they were touching. 

“You can go to your mum's for a bit or something. I don’t know. Stay with friends. Stay at your place and learn how to look after yourself.” Miles said with a teasing smile, as Alex looked like he was going to protest but then accepted the obvious wind-up. “We’ll talk. I’ll call you all the time. If you want. We’ll just see how things go from there, yeah?”

Alex nodded, appearing to contemplate the issue. “Are ye gonna be fucking other people?”

It sounded more worried than accusatory, so Miles barked out a laugh and ruffled Alex’s hair, before wrapping an arm around him and pulling him close. The contact seemed to offer them both some solace. “Probably not. D’ye not want me to?” Alex pursed his lips and shook his head and Miles couldn’t help but smile fondly at the selfish, jealous bastard. “OK. Fine. I won’t if you don’t want me to. You can sleep with other people though. Might be good for you.” Alex shot him a look of distaste. “Didn’t say you had to, did I? I’m not pimping you out. It’s just about what comes natural, is all.”

“Right,” Alex said miserably. “I didn’t mean it. You can sleep with other people if you want. Don’t want you potentially missing out on the love of your life.”

“I won’t be.” It came out far too earnest, and Miles might have regretted it, but Alex looked up at him with bright, hopeful eyes, so he didn’t. 

“Think I’ll go to Sheffield,” Alex decided after a while, his head still resting on Miles’s shoulder. “My mum’s been pestering me.”

“You should,” Miles agreed. “Penny’s an angel, you shouldn’t upset her.”

Alex laughed. “How ‘bout your mum? Bet you haven’t been up North for a while. Pauline’s an angel.”

“Fuck. You’re right. She’s stopped even asking!” Miles said. He hadn’t even noticed how long he’d been away. “Guess we’re both heading North.”

He walked home that evening, despite the lengthy journey. He felt too drunk to take the tube, despite not having drunk very much at all. Walking along the streets, trying to gain control of his body and breathe as much air into his lungs as possible, felt far better than the thought of being in the airless tube, listening to the sounds of happy drunks. The cool air had a sobering effect, but he still felt his thoughts spiralling as he contemplated his actions and whether he’d made the right decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from 'Beast of Burden' by the Rolling Stones


	3. It's just another difficult phonecall

Miles arrived in the Wirral a few days later. Alex was planning on heading to Sheffield the week after, having decided to work on reorganising his place before leaving it. Miles suspected he was a bit afraid of facing his parents. His own mother had been thrilled to hear that he was coming back, forgiving his neglect instantly and greeting him enthusiastically. He felt instantly comforted and grounded as she wrapped her arms around him. 

Despite the comfort she offered, he wasn’t quite ready to talk to her properly yet, so he went up to his room to unpack. He glanced around the room, familiarising himself with his surroundings. The blue plaid bed-linen were from the same set that he and Alex had used when they had slept on his bed over a decade ago. They’d tried to kiss quietly under the sheets, not daring to make any more noise while his mother was in the room next door. It had quickly become too hot so they emerged from the shelter they’d created, faces red and sweaty and trying to stifle their giggles.

He was startled out of the memory when he caught sight of a photo of Alex and him from the first time they’d toured together, or rather, as The Little Flames and the Arctic Monkeys. It was only a few weeks after they’d met. In the photo, they were backstage and Miles was playing his guitar, his mouth open as he sang. Alex sat a little way away from him, eyes intensely focused on Miles and his lips parted. He looked enraptured. It made Miles’s heart twist a little to see it. He didn’t think he’d ever noticed his expression before, despite the photo having been on his wall for years. 

He snapped a picture of it and sent it to Alex, partly to let him know he’d arrived, partly because he was curious about what Alex thought of it. A few moments later came Alex’s response.

[A]: I remember that day. 

[A]: Was worried it was obvious I fancied you. Guess it was. 

Miles couldn’t help the grin that broke out onto his face. He’d suspected that Alex had had a crush on him when they first met but had never dared asked him to confirm the suspicion.

[M]: Did you really?? Xx

[A]: Don’t tease, Miles. 

[M]: Not teasing. It’s cute. Xx

[A]: You are teasing! 

[A]: You really didn’t know? You kissed me! 

[M]: Two years later!!! Xx

He bounced down the stairs to speak to his mother, feeling rather elated to have this new knowledge. Heading into the kitchen, he found her preparing dinner and started to help. His mother must have noticed his pleased expression, which he couldn’t seem to school into something more neutral, as she questioned: “What’s got into you?”

He briefly considered brushing it off before deciding he did want to talk about it. “Nothing, just talking to Alex.”

His mother gave him a wary look. “That hasn’t always made you happy. Especially not recently.”

Miles nodded, feeling his face fall slightly. “You’re right. Things are alright at the moment, though. Good.” 

She looked sceptical, which Miles could understand. “How is he?” she asked cautiously. 

“I think he’s better than he’s been for a bit. He’s trying.”

His mother smiled slightly sadly. “That’s good. It must all be very hard for him. Keep thinking of that shy teenager you brought home for the first time all those years ago.”

Miles laughed, thinking about it too. Alex had grown comfortable in their home surprisingly quickly, or, rather, it would have surprised Miles, if Alex didn’t always adjust to things quite well when he was around. 

“Is he still with that girl?” his mother asked. Miles could see the effort it took to make the question sound unconcerned.

“No.” He opened the fridge door and rifled around in it so he wouldn’t have to see her expression.

“Oh, Miles.”

“It’s not like that.” He paused and rubbed his hands over his face. “Well, it’s a bit like that.”

His mother shot him a worried glance, and he suddenly felt very tired.

“I’m not… I don’t really know what it’s like,” he admitted. “We’re… we’re trying to get it right this time… so we’re taking some time apart. Does that make any sense?” he asked, suddenly alarmed by how ridiculous it must sound.

The smile his mother gave him appeared to confirm his fears, but she avoided answering the question. “Is that what you’re doing here then? Avoiding Alex?”

“No. No, not exactly. Wanted to see you, didn’t I?” he said, with what he hoped was a cheeky grin but almost certainly missed the mark. She raised an eyebrow and gave him an assessing look. “Well, I did. And I’m not avoiding Alex. Just thought it would be good for us to be away from each other, y’know, not grow co-dependent.” 

“Then what?”

“Then we’ll… we’ll try it all again. Properly this time. If everything works out, like.”

His mother nodded curtly. “OK. If you think that’s what’s best.”

“I don’t know,” he murmured, his eyes shut. Everything suddenly hurt. The dizzy, disoriented feeling that he’d experienced a lot lately came back in full force. “We never really know what we’re doing. Guess I were hoping this would all make things clearer.”

“Oh, darling,” she said, wrapping her arms around Miles. He let himself feel be enveloped by her embrace. 

“Do you think I’m daft for thinking it could ever work?” he asked in a terrified whisper. He hadn’t even realised how afraid he felt until he’d heard himself asking the question. 

“No.” Her voice was gentle. “No, I don’t, my love. The two of you have something special. 

“But that doesn’t mean it’ll work.” He sounded afraid.

“It doesn’t. I think you’ve both realised that. It sounds like you’re also both trying, though. That’s really important.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I want to try. I think he does too. I just don’t know if…” he trailed off. He can’t bear to verbalise his fear that Alex will fail to see it through. 

“You need to tell him what you’re afraid of,” she said, following his train of thought.

“He knows,” Miles muttered.

“He might not. I know the two of you think you can read each other’s minds, but you can’t always.”

“I know. I know. OK. Would be sound if we could though,” he said with a little smile.

She stroked his hair, before pressing a kiss to the side of his head. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” he responded, swallowing thickly.

The atmosphere lightened up as he put some music on and they finished the cooking while singing along. Miles felt relieved to have confessed his fears to his mother. In his head, it had all felt too consuming and over-wrought. He wondered whether Alex had anyone to talk to. He wondered whether Alex ever talked to people about him, in this way. 

After dinner, he chatted with his mother while watching TV and Miles felt the familiar warmth he always got from being at home. He felt safe and well-fed and entirely and unconditionally loved. 

Before he went to bed he glanced at his phone, which he’d left in his room, to find a message Alex had sent hours ago. 

[A]: I was so pleased when you did kiss me. 

He smiled at the text, sending a one in return.

[M]: Hope you’ve had a good evening. Night, Al. Xxx

-

It had been a good day, Miles thought, after his first full day in the Wirral. He arrived back to his mother’s just after midnight, slightly tipsy. He’d seen a bunch of his old mates and it had been so nice and easy. Miles felt immensely grateful for them.

He and Alex had been texting all day but he hadn’t looked at his phone in the past a few hours, so he took it out to check for a message. He responded to the goodnight text Alex had sent him an hour ago, telling him he’d just got back from the pub, and was surprised to find Alex replying immediately.

[A]: Could I call you?

[M]: Course. You OK?? 

Alex called immediately. 

“You alright?” Miles repeated.

“Yeah. Sorry. Just wanted to hear your voice.” Alex paused, suddenly seeming unsure.

Miles teased him to break the tension. “Missed me voice that much did you?”

Alex huffed out a laugh. “Yeah. But pipe down.”

Miles giggled. “How can I when Alex Turner just told me he missed me and me voice?” 

He could picture Alex responding in two ways and it annoyed him that he couldn’t know for sure which it was. He might be wearing a cocky little grin, or he might be looking down, flushed and bashful. He suspected that, since he was alone, it was the latter. 

“D’ye have a good day?” Alex asked, his tone light.

“I did. I texted you all about it, so you should know that.”

Alex gave a non-committal hum. Miles suspected he’s asked merely so Miles would talk and he wouldn’t have to. Miles decided to coax him into talking. “How was your day then?”

“Fine. Mostly been reading.” He paused for a moment. “London’s kind of a weird place to be alone.”

“Weirder than being alone in other places? Isn’t reading the same wherever you are?” Miles asked, curious. “Anyway, London doesn’t have to be lonely. You could have some fun,” he said slightly suggestively, Alex ignored it. 

“Reading’s better in some places. Gotta be in the right mood and all.” Alex seemed hesitant. His words were stilted.

Miles couldn’t help feeling concerned. “Are you not at the moment?”

“Dunno. Just feeling kinda tired.” He sounded tired and listless. 

Miles sighed. “Maybe you should go to bed, Al.”

“Yeah. I should. Sorry. Don’t mean to get you down.”

“You’re not. I just worry about you,” Miles admitted. 

“Don’t want you to have to worry about me.” His voice was quiet and sounded oddly strained. 

Miles played with the sleeve of his shirt. He was always going to worry about Alex, he thought. “Do you ever speak to anyone about me?” he asked abruptly, suddenly desperate to know.

“What?” Alex asked, thrown by the apparent non sequitur. 

“I mean,” Miles responded, pushing past his embarrassment, “do you ever tell people about us.”

“Like who?” 

Alex’s hesitation left Miles feeling disheartened. “I don’t know. Your parents. Your friends.”

“Oh,” Alex paused. “Um… me parents… no – we don’t - no. The band… I think they do know, though I’ve not talked to them about it. Would be hard for them not to know.” 

Miles wondered whether Alex was thinking about the same incident, at a Monkeys concert a while ago, when Nick had discovered them making out in a dressing room. Or maybe he was recalling all the times they’d been sat on each other’s laps, or held hands, or clung onto each other, or pressed eager kisses to the other’s heads. “Right. So you don’t really talk about… how you feel about it all.” 

“No,” Alex responded, exhaling quickly.

“Why?” Miles asked when Alex didn’t elaborate, knowing his voice must sound weak and reedy.

“I don’t… I’m not sure exactly why. I’ve… tried to bring it up with me mum, but me throat just seized up. Think I were scared to put words to everything.” He paused. “Do you… talk about it?”

“Not really. Think it’s the same with some of me friends. In that, they suspect but don’t really know for sure. My mum knows though. Almost everything.” He stopped for a second, trying to verbalise what he’d thought yesterday. “It’s been nice to be able to talk to her. Feel like sometimes I build it all up too much when it’s just me and me thoughts, y’know?”

“Yeah,” Alex murmured with a sigh and then a self-deprecating laugh. “Yeah. I’m the master of that.” 

“You can talk to me y’know. I mean I can’t give you an outsider’s perspective, obviously, but I can listen to you. I’m always here for you. I always have been.” His voice came out breathless. 

“Thanks,” Alex replied. “You can… you can do the same. I want to be here for you too.”

“OK,” he said. He let out a loud yawn and settled into bed. “Need some sleep though, now. You should get some sleep too. Speak tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Goodnight, Miles.”

“Night, Al.”

It took Miles a while to fall asleep after that. He eventually drifted off, hoping that perhaps they were making progress. 

-

“How’s being home?” Miles asked, picking up Alex’s call. Alex had arrived in Sheffield a few days ago and they hadn’t spoken much since, both of them being fairly busy, though they'd texted constantly. The texting had been reassuring. Alex had always been an erratic texter, but now he was happily sending Miles messages throughout the day unprompted. 

“It’s nice," Alex replied. "Mum’s fussing over me though.”

“You worrying her?” Miles asked, suddenly feeling alarmed.

“No. She thinks I look a bit thin and mopey.” 

Miles laughed. “She’s always right, that woman.”

Alex made a huffing sound that Miles interpreted as reluctant agreement. He was quiet for a while before blurting out: “Tried sleeping with someone.” 

Miles felt a not entirely unexpected surge of jealousy. “Yeah? When?” 

“Before I left for Sheffield. Took your suggestion of fun in London.” He sounded a little defensive. 

Miles worked to school his voice into nonchalance. “How was it?”

“Not great. Haven’t really been feeling it lately.” 

Miles nodded dumbly, still trying to process the wave of emotions that Alex’s revelation had triggered. He found that despite having given Alex his blessing, encouraging him, even, to have sex with other people, being confronted with the reality was unpleasant. 

“Not that you’d know what that’s like,” Alex continued. 

Miles laughed, Alex’s perception of him as a bisexual Lothario always amused him. “That’s not true. I’m not that much of a slag, Al.”

“Didn’t mean it like that, did I? Just meant… it’s always good for you.” He sounded embarrassed and Miles could almost picture him squirming. 

“It’s really not.” He liked sex, but he didn’t always want it or enjoy it equally. 

“When’s it been bad?” Alex asked, rather demandingly. 

“I don’t kiss and tell, darling,” Miles said, putting on a haughty voice. Alex didn’t laugh, so he sighed and tried to reassure him. “But really, Al, I’ve had a lot of mediocre sex. It’s normal.”

Alex paused for a long while, and if Miles hadn’t been used to Alex, he might have thought he’d ended the call. Eventually, his voice came through the phone, sounding pained. “I didn’t end up having sex with her. I couldn’t – I wasn’t - ” he broke off with a groan.

Before he could help himself, Miles cackled. “Suppose you could say your propeller-”

“Oh my god, Miles, shut up!” Alex interjected quickly, putting a stop to it. “You know that’s not – it’s not what the song’s fucking about. You know that!”

Miles softened at his endearing vehemence. “Not to sound like a cliché, but it happens, y’know. When you’re stressed or tired, or whatever. Is that normal for you?”

Alex sighed, and when he spoke his voice sounded strained, “No, no not really. But I’m often… not that into it.”

“Really? Is that just recently?” Miles couldn’t help feeling surprised. “I’ve never noticed.”

“Yeah. As I’ve said. It’s different with you.” He sounded mortified, but kept going, uttering quietly: “I just want to be with you.”

“I want that too,” Miles murmured in return, gulping at the sudden lump in his throat.

“Do you?” came Alex’s voice, sounding high and cracked and so much like it did when they first met. 

“Yeah. Of course.” He couldn’t believe that Alex didn’t know this and might have accused him of fishing if he didn’t sound so worried. 

“Just thought, you must have had better. You’ve got a lot of hot friends. Interesting friends.” 

It took a lot of restraint for Miles not to laugh. “So have you. I don’t sleep with all my friends, y’know.”

“Just some of them,” Alex said quietly.

Miles let out a little amused huff and agreed. 

“Have you slept with anyone lately?” Alex asked. 

“No,” Miles replied quickly. 

Alex paused for a while. “Why?” His tone was curious.

“Guess I’m not really feeling it either,” Miles replied, heart pounding vigorously in his chest though he couldn’t quite work out why. “Anyway, said I wouldn’t, didn’t I?”

Alex mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like “good,” then continued. “I said you could. If you find someone you like.”

“Well, I haven’t.”

“Me neither.”

They were both quiet for some time. When Alex finally broke the silence he sounded breathless, “Do you think I should see someone?”

“What?” Miles responded, quick and frightened, as he felt his stomach drop. 

“Oh – no – I didn’t mean - no! I meant, um, a therapist, or summat…”

“Oh. Oh, right.” He was embarrassed by the sudden wave of relief. “If you want. If you think it would help. It could be good for you.”

“It could be. I’m curious to see anyway.”

“That’s really great, Al.”

“Anyway. Enough about me. What have you been up to?”

Taking the bait, Miles chatted happily to Alex about a new song he was working on and something he’d seen on TV. 

-

Miles hadn’t entirely believed that Alex would see a therapist, so was a bit startled when their phone call a few days later began with the words: “Saw a therapist today. Then I tried to have sex with a man.” 

Alex had arrived back in London a few days ago, as had he, but they hadn’t met up yet, continuing to call and text. Miles longed to see him but felt he needed to give it a bit more time. He'd managed to mostly distract himself with writing and meeting up with friends. 

At Alex’s words, Miles burst into laughter. “God. Sorry, Al. Don’t mean to laugh. It’s just – y’know – the two cornerstones of self-care: therapy and gay sex.” 

Alex laughed too, despite himself. “Not like that. Were just that the therapist thought I had issues with my sexuality. Wanted to prove him wrong.”

Miles let out a low whistle. He contemplated pressing Alex on the issue but decided it wasn’t the time - he’d just had to discuss it with a professional, after all. “You are a cliché, baby. More success than last time?”

Alex coughed. “A bit.”

“Oh. That sounds nice.” He tried to sound enthusiastic. 

Alex let out a choked sound in response. “We didn’t actually… have sex. But I were more interested than – um – than I were the last time. Just didn’t really want to go through with it. He wasn’t what I really wanted.” There was little Miles could do to stop the pleased feeling that suffused him at those words. Alex continued, “Think I probably shouldn’t have sex just because I think it’s what’s expected of me. Or because I think it’s not what’s expected of me.”

“Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good. Sorry if I made you feel like you should.” He suddenly felt guilty though he wasn’t entirely sure why.

“Oh God, no. You didn’t,” Alex said, in a rush. 

“Is it weird?” he asked abruptly. “Is it weird that I more or less told you to have sex with strangers?”

Alex huffed out a laugh. “I don’t know. Maybe a little. I think I get why you did it though. Maybe you should clarify, just in case.”

“Therapist already getting through to you on communication?” Miles asked slightly teasingly. He knew Alex was right though, so quickly continued speaking. “I don’t know. I think I were worried that you might just have wanted sex… and I was, y’know, there.” He gulped and closed his eyes, feeling horrifically transparent.

“Has this helped?” Alex asked curiously.

“I don’t know. Not as much as I thought it might, maybe. Still feel a bit like I were, if not just any old body, then just a familiar body.”

“I didn’t mean to make you feel like that,” Alex said quietly. “That’s really not it.”

“How can- ” Miles hesitated, afraid by how insecure he was revealing himself to be. “You can’t know that,” he eventually murmured. 

“I do, Miles. It’s not just the sex. You know that.” He heard Alex take a deep breath in before continuing. “It’s – it’s always been you. God, that sounds shite. Fuck. I’ve always wanted you and I’ve always loved you.”

“Forgive me if I find it hard to believe. You’ve had some way of showing it,” Miles said, slightly bitter.

“I know. I’m going to show you. I want to. Please, give me the chance to.” 

The desperation in his voice hit Miles hard. He felt sick. “God. Alex.” His voice sounded like he’d been strangled. “I wish, just once, our fears would align,” he whispered.

“What d’you mean?”

“I mean… last time it were me begging you to give it a shot, whilst you were afraid.” He thought about all the other times over the past decade that they’d failed to be on the same page. He thought about when they were much younger and managed to convince themselves it was all just fun and games. 

“I’m scared too,” Alex confessed. 

“Yeah. I was scared too. The last time.” It wasn’t entirely true though; he hadn’t had enough time to think through his decisions to be scared. 

“You’re so much braver than I am.”

“So much more reckless, you mean,” Miles replied, with some resentment. He really hadn’t been brave. He’d been rash. 

“No,” Alex whispered. “You know what you want and who you are.”

“Tell me what you’re afraid of,” Miles said abruptly. 

The speed of Alex’s response startled him. 

“I’m afraid you’ll realise I’m nothing. That I’m a fucking husk. Whatever you think I am is just me mirroring you, mostly unconsciously because I’m that empty. I’m afraid you’ll get bored of me. I’m afraid you’ll find exclusivity boring and I don’t want to share you. I’m afraid you’ll find I’m not enough for you. I’m afraid you’ll resent me for holding you back.”

“Oh, Alex,” was all Miles could say. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t known, but it was difficult to hear Alex say it all so clearly. He wanted to express that none of it was true, that he was the most startlingly brilliant, unique person he’d ever met, and that if anything, he was too much for Miles. He’d been trying to tell Alex as much since they were nineteen. 

Alex let out a quiet, embarrassed puff of air. Miles still hadn’t worked out how to express all the complicated thoughts he had about Alex. Eventually, he whispered a response. “I’m afraid you’ll come to think I’m daft and stupid, more than you already do. I’m afraid you’ll realise this is too difficult for you. I’m afraid you’ll leave me.” Most of his fears were too nebulous for him to even understand, so he stopped there. 

Alex went silent; Miles couldn’t even hear his breaths. After a moment, he replied. “Miles… you don’t have to worry about any of that. I know this will be hard, but I don’t mind. I know you and I want you.”

“You don’t have to worry either, Al. You’re not what you think you are, you’re way too hard on yourself. And please trust me when I say I could never get bored of you.”

“OK,” Alex said simply. 

“OK,” Miles echoed quietly. 

“So… we’re giving this a proper go, eh?” Alex’s voice was a delightful mix of hopeful and hesitant that brought a smile to Miles’s face. He wished he could touch him right now. 

“Looks like.”

“When can I see you again?” Alex asked, slightly breathlessly. 

“I don’t know. When are you free?”

“Always.” 

Miles laughed. “Eager.”

Alex surprised him with an earnest response to the teasing. “I just… I’ve missed you so much, and I’ve wanted to be with you for so long. Just didn’t know how to make it happen. Didn’t think it were even possible, in the past. Now I know and I… I don’t want to waste any more time. Y’know?” He trailed off slightly, sounding suddenly flustered and worried. 

Miles closed his eyes to take in the words and the warm feeling that suffused through him at having heard them. A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “Yeah, I know.”

“Come over for dinner on Friday? I’m having some friends over.”

“Are you?” Miles asked, surprised. Alex hadn’t been known for his hospitality recently. 

“Yeah. Just our close friends. Think it’d be nice for us all to see each other again.”

Miles hummed in agreement. “What am I going as?” He’d got used to having to adjust his behaviour around Alex constantly when they were around other people. In recent years, it had become increasingly difficult to work out what part to play. 

Alex understood instantly. “My best friend, who I love a lot. Too much. My date.”

“I can do that,” Miles responded.

Alex laughed brightly. “Yeah. You’re very good at that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from 'Difficult Phonecall' by Spector


	4. We could end all this pain right here

Miles went to Alex’s a little before the dinner to help him prepare. He’d ordered food, but Miles wanted to help him set up. Mostly he just wanted to see him before the others. It seemed like an eternity since they’d last met, and it felt as if the anticipation was permanently lodged in his stomach. Their phone calls in the past few days had a slightly nervous quality that reminded Miles of being a teenager. He had fucking butterflies as he rang the doorbell, which was utterly ridiculous, but also rather agreeable in a curious way. 

Alex opened the door with a pleased smile before they both took in each other’s clothes and burst into laughter. 

“We’re wearing the same fucking thing,” Alex said shaking his head in amusement. 

“Hey, the print is wildly different,” Miles retorted, gesturing to the diamond pattern on his dark silk shirt, as opposed to the more rounded pattern on Alex’s. He couldn’t, however, dispute that the black jeans and boots they were both wearing were identical.

“Should I change?” Alex asked. 

Miles shrugged. “Suppose we don’t want to look like ‘that couple’.” Despite his words, he didn’t find the concept unappealing. 

Alex laughed. “We’ve looked like ‘that couple’ for over a decade, Miles.” 

“So, we just leaning into it?” he asked with an excessively thrilled grin.

“Yeah, why not.” Alex paused. “You look really good.”

Miles laughed. “Why thank you. So do you. I think it’s the outfit.”

Alex let out an amused huff and rolled his eyes. “Come on, help me get the table ready.” 

Miles followed him into the house, which already looked ready for guests. “Very posh,” he commented, taking in the pristine tableware that Alex never used when it was just the two of them. There were floral arrangements.

Alex surveyed the scene and gave a slightly embarrassed shrug. “Want to hook your phone up the speakers?” Alex inquired. “We can let people pick their own music. You can pick for now though.”

“Sure.” Miles opened up Spotify as Alex went to get them wine. He looked through his playlists. 

Alex returned and passed him a glass of wine while Miles continued to look for something to listen to. He glanced up and noticed Alex regarding him strangely, shifting from foot to foot. “You alright?” he asked. 

“Yep,” Alex replied, popping the ‘P’ and still looking distinctly uneasy. Miles frowned at him as he ran a hand through his hair. “Sorry. It’s just… I don’t know. Feel a bit stressed about tonight.” 

“Yeah?” Miles asked, wondering which particular aspect was worrying him.

“Yeah,” Alex said quietly. “I – we haven’t seen each other since… and we haven’t been around other people and…” he trailed off, eyes glued to the floor. 

Miles moved towards Alex’s and took his glass of wine away from him, setting it down on the table along with his own. He grabbed Alex’s hands in his own, feeling the cold imprint from the wine glass slowly dissipate as warmth transferred from their hands. “Hey,” he murmured, encouraging Alex to look up at him. “It’ll be fine. I’m just happy to see you. And it’ll be nice to see our friends too.”

Alex nodded, considering his words. He met Miles’s gaze with a small smile. “I’m happy to see you too. Really happy.” 

Miles grinned and pulled Alex towards him, wrapping his arms tightly around him and feeling Alex wind his arms around his waist. 

“It’s good to see you,” Alex mumbled into his neck. 

Miles kissed the side of his head. He let go of Alex and moved them towards the sofa, sitting down and getting Alex to sit next to him with his legs draped on Miles’s lap. Alex rested his head on one shoulder and draped an arm across his other one so he was folded around Miles. Miles rubbed his thumb against Alex’s jeans from where his hand was resting on his thigh. Alex still looked slightly pensive. 

“You having second thoughts?” Miles asked quietly.

Alex’s eyes snapped towards him, looking horrified. “No! Are you?”

Miles couldn’t help but smile at the panic in his voice, but he quickly reassured Alex. “Definitely not.”

“OK. Good.” Alex reached out to grab his glass of wine and swallowed three large gulps. Miles went to get his own glass but Alex proffered his so Miles wouldn’t have to move. He drank as Alex tilted the wine into his mouth. Alex pushed the glass a little too much towards him and a trickle of wine ran down from the corner of his mouth. Before Miles could react, Alex leaned in and licked it away. 

Miles giggled and Alex pulled away and set the glass back down, his face flushed. “Sorry,” he muttered, an embarrassed smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. 

Miles shook his head in amusement and slipped a hand into his hair, tugging Alex gently towards him. Alex leaned in until their foreheads were resting against each other. They stayed like that for a while, gazing at each other. Miles relished the dizzy intensity and familiarity of the gesture, their eyes focused on each other, occasionally darting down to the other’s lips. Eventually, Miles pulled slightly at Alex’s hair, an unspoken request, and Alex brought their mouths together. 

Alex clutched at Miles’s face, kissing him with such tenderness that Miles felt immediately winded. He didn’t think they’d ever kissed like this, which surprised him, as he’d thought they’d already kissed in every way possible. He angled his face to give Alex better access and allowed himself to be kissed until he felt slightly light-headed. 

Their foreheads rested against each other again as they panted into each other’s mouths. Alex drew in a deep, shuddery breath and nuzzled his face against him before pressing his lips against Miles’s nose, then his cheek, then his jaw. Miles grinned and kissed Alex chastely on the lips. 

They both leaned away so they could look at each other. Alex moved his hands over Miles’s face, simply touching. He rubbed his fingers along the stubble on his jaw and brushed his thumb over his lips. His other hand stroked leisurely through Miles’s hair. Alex had a strange, dopey smile on his face. “What?” Miles murmured. He felt slightly self-conscious due to the intensity of Alex’s observation.

Alex shook his head with a smile. “Nothing. You’re just so handsome.” He ran his thumb down Miles’s nose. “You have such lovely features.”

Miles grinned at him. “Says you,” he retorted, pinching one of Alex’s cheeks. Alex made a strangled gasping sound that delighted Miles endlessly. Alex glared at him so Miles leaned in to kiss the reddened patch of skin, then kissed the other cheek for good measure. Alex appeared to be appeased and lowered his head back to rest on Miles’s shoulder, grabbing his hand and intertwining their fingers. 

“I can’t believe this is real,” Alex said quietly, staring at their joined hands. “Like, you’re my best friend and I love you so much, and I get to do this. Didn’t think we could be like this.”

“Why?” Miles asked, curious about why Alex had been so adamant they couldn’t be together in this way, yet also knowing the answer.

“I don’t know. You’re my best friend,” he repeated as if that explained it, and it sort of did. For many years he’d thought that somehow, the strength of their friendship negated the prospect of them being anything more. He’d simply realised the falsity of this belief before Alex had.

Miles nodded. “Yeah. You’re my best friend. You always will be.”

“Good,” Alex replied, punctuating the statement with a kiss to Miles’s neck. “I was a fucking idiot.”

“A little bit. But I love you anyway,” he said, lightly, almost teasingly, wanting to detract from the statement. 

Alex didn’t let him, removing his face from Miles to look up at him. “Yeah?” he questioned, his eyes wide and hopeful. 

Miles kissed the corner of his mouth. “Yeah. Very much,” he agreed, nodding and looking into Alex’s bright eyes.

“I love you too,” he whispered, not breaking the eye contact. The smiled at each other a little sappily, and Miles might have felt uncomfortable, or alarmed by the intensity, but he didn’t. This was something they were accustomed to, though Miles couldn’t help but feel it was made a little headier by the fact that they both knew exactly what they were doing now, and why they were doing it. 

“We’re revolting,” Alex said with a laugh that Miles joined in with.

“God, we are. Probably best to try and get it out of our system before the others arrive.”

Alex raised an eyebrow. “When have we ever managed to ‘get it out of our system’? Pretty sure they’re used to our antics by now.”

Miles wasn’t so sure, thinking back to the difficulty of their encounters over the past few years. He decided not to raise it, instead, he asked Alex about what had been happening with his friends. 

Alex brought Miles up to speed with everything that had been happening in the lives of the people coming to dinner. Miles tried to pay attention, but found it difficult, continually getting distracted by the line of Alex’s nose or the curve of his mouth or the smoothness of his skin. 

Alex suddenly interrupted his monologue to check the time. “Oh, they’ll arrive soon! We should make sure everything’s ready. And we need to prepare the canapés.” 

Miles let Alex pull him towards the kitchen and watched him spoon sour cream onto blini, topping it with caviar and a little sprig of something green that Miles couldn’t identify. He was both amused and charmed by the intensity of Alex’s focus on the task, the delicate flourish of his wrist as he added the greenery to the tops. 

“Can I do anything?” Miles asked, tearing his gaze away from Alex. 

Alex looked up at him. “Yeah, could you put pâté onto these?” he said, passing Miles some crisp little pieces of bread. 

Miles began the task. “Don’t trust me with the delicate work?”

Alex smirked at him. “Not quite, darling,” Alex replied, putting on an accent and pitching his voice higher. 

Miles slipped into a corresponding character with a grin. “Sorry, dear. You know what men are like in the kitchen,” he said roughly. 

Alex giggled. “Absolutely useless. Just don’t have a woman’s touch. No sense of artistry and refinement.”

The doorbell rang a few moments later and they went to answer the door, still in character as they were both finding it amusing and neither wanted to put an end to it. Miles suspected that Alex also thought of it as a safety net for an evening he was clearly still a bit anxious about. 

Alex opened the door, beaming at Matt and then looking at Miles. “Why, look who it is, dear. It’s Matthew Helders. So nice to see you, Matthew, do let me take your coat.”

Miles cackled loudly as Matt rolled his eyes, letting Alex remove his jacket and hang it up. 

“I see you two have made up,” Matt said. He tried to sound annoyed by the two of them but ended up grinning. 

“So dramatic, Matthew,” Alex retorted, sweeping towards the kitchen to fix him a drink. 

Matt shook his head at Miles conspiratorially. “Think we all know who the dramatic one is,” he commented, with a knowing smirk.

“He does have a bit of a flair for it, doesn’t he?” Miles replied fondly, staring after Alex. 

Matt surveyed his expression him, suddenly serious. “I am glad you’ve made up. We’ve all been worried about him.”

Miles swallowed. “Yeah. I’ve been worried too.”

“He seems a lot better though, now. He sounded really happy when he invited us all round the other day.” 

“Stop talking about me, you absolute dickheads!” Alex yelled from the kitchen. 

“We’re not,” Matt shouted back. “You self-centred bastard!”

Matt moved to sit in a chair and Miles followed suit, taking a seat on the sofa. “So what have you been up to?”

He and Miles started chatting, catching up on what they’d both been doing recently and exchanging anecdotes. Miles was so caught up in it he barely noticed Alex sliding next to him and throwing an arm over his shoulder. He only realised when he caught Matt’s eyes continually falling to where Alex had settled his head on Miles’s shoulder, occasionally rubbing his face against the silk shirt. 

Miles shot Matt a questioning look, amused by his distraction. Matt shrugged and continued talking. Alex seemed completely oblivious to everything until the doorbell rang again, and he jumped up. Several more people came in and Miles found himself hugging and kissing people and chatting enthusiastically. 

When they finally all sat down to eat, Alex pulled his chair right next to Miles’s. Alex was fairly quiet throughout the evening, but it didn’t worry Miles - Alex tended to get like this when he was around his chattier friends, and there were so many of them present. He seemed content to observe and listen, looking relaxed and pleased to be surrounded by them all. 

Despite his bravado with Alex earlier, he’d also been anxious that the evening might be uncomfortable. He was thrilled to find it wasn’t in the slightest, and he was thoroughly enjoying being around Alex’s friends again. It was nice to be around other people who loved Alex as much as he did, but who also found him endlessly amusing and frustrating. 

Alex kept a hand on Miles’s thigh almost throughout the evening, and when they both finished eating he took his hand and placed it on the table. Miles watched as the others took note, observing the scene with a curious mixture of satisfaction and confusion. He turned to grin at Alex and found he was already staring at Miles with a tiny smile playing on his lips. Unable to resist, Miles grabbed Alex’s head and pressed a kiss to his brow. Miles watched in delight as Alex suppressed a smile that Miles knew would transform his whole face and make his eyes crinkle if he gave in. 

Suddenly overwhelmed, Miles made a silly face at Alex then returned his gaze to the table. “More wine?” he asked the amused faces. There were sounds of assent and Jamie offered to help him. They got up and moved to the kitchen.

“Things are going well with you and Al then?” Jamie enquired with a smirk.

Miles laughed, trying to choose a bottle. “Yeah, I think so. I’m pretty happy.” 

“That’s great, mate. He’s really happy too. He’s been mad about you for forever. Glad he’s finally allowing himself what he’s wanted.”

Miles began to open his mouth to reply when Alex walked into the kitchen, an exaggeratedly innocent expression on his face. “You can go sit back down, Jamie, I’ll help Miles.”

Jamie snorted. “We’d never get the fucking wine if I left you two alone.”

“Well them, you can take your precious wine back with you,” Alex returned haughtily.

“Should I just say goodbye to you now?” Jamie asked, laughing and shaking his head. 

Alex rolled his eyes. “We’re not that fucking rude. We’re also not twenty anymore, we’ve got some self-control.”

Raising his eyes sceptically, Jamie left the kitchen. Alex wrapped his arms around Miles's neck, pulling him in and kissing him thoroughly, but briefly. Miles felt breathless by the time it ended anyway.

“What was that about self-control?” Miles asked with a smirk.

“Load of shite,” Alex replied, muttering the words against the collar of Miles’s shirt. “Still want you as much as I did at twenty.”

“Me too.” Miles lifted his chin to give him a sweet, chaste kiss. “But we’ve got a point to prove to Jamie, so let’s go back out.” They went back to the dining room, hands joined. It took a lot of Miles’s energy to prevent himself from pulling Alex into his lap. 

By the time the evening was drawing to a close, Miles was pleasantly tipsy and full of the warm, buzzing energy that being around people he liked tended to give him. He also felt immensely sleepy. He’d moved into the living room with Alex and a few of the others and he was leaning against Alex. Alex had an arm around his waist and was playing with the hem of his shirt. 

Alex started giving exaggerated yawns and burrowing himself closer into Miles, his eyes falling shut. Miles smiled indulgently at him, running his hands through his hair.

Matt rolled his eyes. “Alright, Al, you can stop with the theatrics. We’ll leave so you two can shag.”

Alex went rigid and his face was suddenly suffused with a blush. Miles would have found it amusing if his face didn’t also feel uncomfortably hot. 

Matt, on the other hand, seemed endlessly amused, eyeing them curiously. 

“Miles is going to go home too,” Alex mumbled, looking pained. They hadn’t actually discussed it, but Miles had assumed he would be going home. For some reason, he felt odd about the idea of sleeping with Alex immediately, and he sensed the other man felt the same. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, he very much did, he just felt there would be an element of certainty about it that neither of them was quite ready for. 

Matt raised an eyebrow. “Y’know you can’t really save yourself for marriage when you’ve been fucking for years?”

Alex groaned and covered his face with his hands. “Shut up, Matt!”

Matt laughed, getting up and ruffling Alex’s hair. “OK. I’ll leave so you lads can not shag.”

Once all the guests had made their exit, Miles and Alex were left alone at the door. They stared at each other for a moment, neither knowing quite what to say.

Miles broke first. “I’ll help you clear up.”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll do it. You should head home, it’s late.” Alex fixed his eyes to the ground. 

Miles felt his heart twist strangely and he moved towards Alex, pulling him close and feeling his body sink against him. The clung onto each other, revelling in the warm solidity of the embrace. Alex’s warm puffs of breath against his shirt created a damp patch that made Miles shiver. 

“I don’t want you to leave,” Alex whispered the admission. 

“I don’t want to leave either,” Miles confessed in return. The thought of ever leaving Alex’s arms left him cold. He felt ridiculous about it – they’d see each other again, quite possibly tomorrow, yet he didn’t want to be apart from him. 

“I’m not – I don’t think I’m ready tonight, though.”

“That sounds good,” Miles said serenely. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Alex asked, with a sweetly boyish expectance.

“Yeah. Course.” Miles replied, forcefully kissing the side of Alex’s head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from 'Shut Up Kiss Me' by Angel Olsen, which Miles has referenced, and I'm sure I remember seeing a video of him singing it but can't find it, let me know if you have more luck!


	5. The labour of our love will reward us soon enough

Miles hadn’t been expecting Alex when he rang the doorbell at 10 in the morning. He rushed to the door, halfway through getting ready for brunch with friends. 

“Hey!” He couldn’t help the way his face broke out into a grin upon seeing Alex. Alex with his hair messily styled, a curl on his forehead that Miles couldn’t help but think he’d deliberately not pushed back so that Miles would do it for him. 

“Hey,” Alex replied. 

Miles caught a glimpse of smile that mirrored his own, before Alex ducked his head down, a little shyly. More hair fell into his face. Miles put a hand to Alex’s chin to tip his face up, then gave in and brushed his hair back. He returned his eyes to Alex’s face and felt his heart speed up at the look Alex was giving him. Unguarded affection lit up his face as he regarded Miles with one side of his mouth curled upwards. Miles gave in to the impulse to press a kiss to his lips, almost dizzy with the realisation that he was completely free to. 

Pulling away to look at Alex, they both grinned at each other. Alex surprised Miles by throwing his arms around him, pressing his face into Miles’s neck, and he could feel his smile against his skin. Miles held him tightly, overcome with affection. 

They stayed like that for a while, until Miles realised they still hadn’t made it into the house. “Come on Al, love, let’s go in,” he suggested gently. Alex made a little annoyed whine, which made Miles giggle, but he relented, taking hold of Miles’s hand. 

They went into the kitchen and Miles made them green tea. When he gave the cup to Alex he once again found him staring with a smile on his face that he was unsuccessfully trying to moderate by chewing on his lip.

“What?” Miles asked, amused.

“Nothing,” Alex replied, shaking his head and smiling at the floor. He looked up after a moment. “You’re so cute. I like the dungarees.”

Miles laughed, looking down at his outfit. He’d been curious about what Alex might think of the dungarees. “You should try them. They’re comfortable.”

“I couldn’t pull them off,” Alex insisted.

“You could!” Miles found he had a sudden need to see Alex in them. He rather liked the picture in his head of Alex in dungarees that were slightly too large and a stripy black and white shirt. 

“I really couldn’t,” Alex replied, moving towards Miles and rubbing his thumb against the pale blue denim on his chest. “You make everything look so good. I’d ask you for your secret, but I already know it.” His voice was low and intoxicating. 

Miles found his eyes locked on Alex’s lips, and when he replied his voice was breathier than he expected. “What is it?”

Alex gave him a pleased little grin. “Being ridiculously attractive.”

Miles grinned back. “Flirt.” He kissed Alex anyway, slightly messy as they both fought to stop from smiling. 

The sound of his phone alerting him to a message made him pull away. “Oh fuck! I’m meeting friends for brunch now!” He’d completely forgotten, having found himself entirely absorbed by Alex. 

“Oh.” Alex looked uneasy. “Sorry, shouldn’t have dropped round unannounced.”

“It’s fine, babe. I’m sorry, I should have said yesterday. You can come if you want. Or you could stay here - I won’t be long. Up to you.” Miles strongly suspected he’d pick the latter option. He didn’t surprise Miles. 

“Think I’ll… Think I’ll stay.” He still looked slightly uncomfortable, avoiding Miles’s eyes. 

“OK. I’ll have something to look forward to returning to,” he said in a slightly teasing manner. 

Alex laughed and shook his head at him, but Miles noticed his slightly flushed, pleased look. 

“Make yourself at home. Watch a film, read a book, play on me instruments. I’ll bring you back something to eat but you can help yourself to whatever.”

Alex nodded. Miles gave him a quick peck on the lips before he left. He found he was unable to stop smiling as he walked to the café, and once he arrived. He didn’t stop, despite his friends’ gentle ribbing. 

-

When Miles returned Alex was asleep on his sofa. A book he must have been trying to read was resting on his chest, and Miles took a few moments to watch the way it moved up and down with Alex’s measured breaths. The light filtered into the room through the shutters and bathed Alex in a gentle glow. Miles felt contentment wash over him.

Alex hadn’t woken when he’d re-entered the house fairly noisily, so Miles assumed he must have been exhausted and decided not to wake him. He sat down on a chair near Alex and began scrolling through Instagram, pausing every now and again to glance at Alex and take in his sleep-softened features and messy hair. 

He couldn’t help but feel immensely lucky to be able to witness this, though he wasn’t entirely sure why. He’d seen Alex sleeping many times before. Yet, he supposed, he’d never seen him sleeping while knowing that Alex was entirely his. In the past, there’d also been a vague sense of unease, as he wondered where they stood and what was going to happen next. 

It didn’t take long before Alex woke-up, and Miles grinned as he looked around, taking in his surroundings and rubbing at his eyes. Miles could pinpoint the exact moment Alex realised he was there because his face lit up. “Hey,” he murmured with a smile, his voice rough. “Had a good time?”

“Yeah. Sorry, kept trying to get away but they wouldn’t let me.”

Alex brushed it off with a careless hand gesture. “I was happy. I like your place.”

Miles smiled. He liked Alex in his place. “Do you want something to eat? I brought some samosas back for you.”

“Thanks, but I ate some leftovers I found in your fridge earlier. We can have the samosa later. Come here,” he said, gesturing for Miles to join him on the sofa, which he did. 

Alex moved to lie on his side and pressed himself against the back of the sofa in order to make room for Miles, who lay on his back. Alex draped himself over Miles, resting his head on Miles’s chest. Miles tangled a hand in Alex’s hair, Alex grabbed his other hand, resting it against his stomach with an air of possession that thrilled Miles.

“Me friends think I’m smitten,” Miles murmured against Alex’s head. 

Alex moved his head to look up at him, regarding him with curiosity. “Did you tell them?” He didn’t seem concerned but the idea that Miles had talked to them about him. 

Miles nodded. “Said we were seeing each other but I didn’t want to talk about it right now. Think they thought I was lying about that bit though, because of the daft smile on me face.”

Alex squeezed his hand. “You have the nicest smile in the world.” He propped himself up so he could press a kiss to Miles’s lips, before settling back down. He slipped a hand under Miles’s dungarees, rubbing at the t-shirt he was wearing underneath. “Are you smitten?” 

“A little bit,” Miles admitted, with a grin. 

“Good. So am I.” He considered something for a moment, chewing on his lip and playing with the rings on Miles’s fingers. “My friends think I’m being more sensible than I’ve been in years. Matt called me disgusting early this morning to tell me so.” 

Miles brought their joined hands up to his lips and pressed a kiss to Alex’s knuckles. “Don’t know about that, but I hope you’re happy.”

“So happy,” Alex replied, raising himself up again so he could brush his lips against Miles’s. He nuzzled their noses against each other. Miles brought his hands up his face to kiss him properly. Alex made a delightful sighing sound, wriggling his body to try and get closer. Miles decided to help him by pushing him back down against the sofa and leaning over him. He kissed him deeply, relishing the way Alex arched up into him. 

Alex groaned when he pulled away to breathe, grabbing at Miles’s hair to try to bring him back to his mouth. Miles resisted, moving to kiss his jaw and trail kisses down to his neck. Alex’s grip on his hair tightened and he moaned as Miles sucked at the sensitive skin below his jaw. 

Miles leaned away to look at Alex, refamiliarising himself with the sight of how wrecked he could look just from kissing. He took in the dishevelled hair and red skin on his neck with some satisfaction, before looking into his wide, glassy eyes. He glanced down at his wet, open mouth, and Alex pulled him back in for a bruising kiss. 

He could feel himself getting hard though he was in no rush to take things further, simply relishing the heady, intimate and loving kisses. He certainly didn’t feel any embarrassment about it, as Alex’s semi was pressing against his leg and they’d also spent so much time together in various states of arousal that it didn’t tend to faze them. They simply continued to exchange kisses, which gradually slowed until Miles was simply resting his head on Alex’s shoulder, both of them catching their breath. 

“You hungry now?” Miles asked. Alex giggled and Miles watched him, bemused. “What?”

Alex shook his head with a little smile. “Nowt. Just thought you were coming onto me at first. Then I remembered the food.” 

Miles laughed. “To be fair, I’m almost always both coming onto you and wanting food.” 

“OK. Let’s eat then.” He grabbed Miles’s hand as they walked to the kitchen. 

Miles went to heat up the samosas and when he returned Alex had set the table for one. He rolled his eyes and went to get another set but Alex made a noise of dissent and pulled him down. Alex cut up the food and speared a piece before proffering it to Miles. Miles shook his head at Alex’s puerile behaviour but opened his mouth to allow Alex to feed him. Alex hummed with satisfaction and fed himself. 

“You’re ridiculous,” Miles said fondly, resting his head on his chin and smiling at Alex.

“Think what you meant to say was, ‘thanks very much for doing the brunt work so I don’t have to get me pretty hands dirty’,” Alex said in an exaggerated manner and with an absurd expression on his face. He offered Miles another mouthful. “Here, open up.” Alex grinned at him, still holding up the fork, which Miles dutifully ate. He had always liked it when Alex spoiled him, relishing the attention. Alex clearly knew what he was doing, smiling indulgently at him.

“What d’you want to do the rest of today?” Miles asked when they’d finished. 

“D’you wanna watch a film or summat? Feeling a bit worn out. Not sure why.” 

“Yeah, that sounds nice. You don’t need a reason to feel worn out,” Miles said softly. “Come on, I’ll let you pick.”

They lay back down on the sofa, Miles pressed to Alex’s back. Alex tried to pick something to watch, hampered by Miles kissing the back of his neck. Alex squirmed and giggled as Miles licked a firm stripe up to his hair. “Stop,” he whined playfully. 

Miles didn’t end up paying much attention to the film, preferring to analyse the colours and textures of Alex’s hair and catalogue the quiet, half-conscious sounds he made when Miles kissed a particular point on his neck or licked the shell of his ear. 

When the film ended, Alex turned round to face him. 

“That was a good film,” Miles offered brightly.

Alex snorted. “You didn’t watch a fucking thing.”

“I did,” Miles insisted. “But since you’re the expert, why don’t you tell me what it was all about?”

Alex opened his mouth and seemed to ponder a response for a moment, before closing it and laughing in admission of defeat. “Fine. I don’t know. But only because you were distracting me.” He prodded Miles in the chest with a finger. 

“Only because you were being incredibly distracting,” Miles retorted, prodding Alex in return. 

Alex took hold of Miles’s hand and pressed a lingering kiss to the pad of his outstretched index finger. He then kissed down it in feather-light succession, before kissing Miles’s palm. Miles’s heart fluttered, and he began to move the same finger across Alex’s features, tracing the curve of his brow and the ridges of his nose. He then rested his hand on Alex’s jaw and felt Alex do the same to him.

For a while, they just lay there, mirrored positions. Miles felt quite content to simply stare into Alex’s eyes, observing the depth of brown. He felt that magnetic pull towards him he so often felt, as if somehow he could understand the secrets of Alex’s very being, simply by gazing into his eyes. He wondered if Alex felt the same way - if he was learning secrets he couldn’t even comprehend in Miles’s eyes. The unguarded intensity of his gaze suggested there was something similar going on. 

“You wouldn’t have done this when we were younger,” Alex said, his voice hushed.

“Wouldn’t have done what?” Miles asked, slightly perplexed.

“Been able to just lay still with me. Quiet. You would have got bored and antsy.” 

“I wouldn’t have,” Miles insisted earnestly. “I’ve never been bored when I’m with you.” Alex still looked slightly mournful, so Miles continued: “Besides, I’ve always liked staring at you. You know that. You’ve got a fascinating face.” He pecked a kiss to Alex’s nose with a theatrical flourish. It made Alex giggle and he felt as proud as he always did when he managed to distract him from a melancholy mood. Alex grinned cheekily at him before darting forward and licking the tip of his nose. 

“Al!” Miles exclaimed through laughter. He resisted the temptation to lick Alex in return, feeling too lethargic and tranquil to trigger what would surely devolve in the two of them rolling around trying to outdo the other. 

“You have a fascinating face too,” Alex said with feigned innocence, his eyes ridiculously wide. 

Miles rolled his eyes fondly at him and was going to argue the point when his stomach rumbled, which made Alex chuckle. Miles prodded him in the stomach. “Yes, I’m hungry again. Your film took it out of me. What d’you want to do about dinner?” 

Alex looked oddly serious and went quiet for a while. “I’d really like to go out with you.” He sounded sad and avoided looking at Miles.

Miles’s heart twisted at his sorrow. “What if… what if we did?” he suggested, despite Alex’s furrowed brow. “I know a place near here where no one will bother us. It’s quiet and they know me.” 

Alex looked contemplative for a moment before nodding decisively, a tentative smile on his face. “OK. OK, let’s do it.” 

They walked over to the restaurant in silence. Miles could sense Alex’s anxiety but knew there was little he could do to ease it. He reached out every now and again to squeeze Alex’s hand, before quickly dropping it. He wished he could hold it. One day, he thought. 

Unable to take the silence anymore, Miles asked Alex if he was sure he wanted to do this. “We can go home. We could buy something to take back. We could sit in a park.”

Alex shook his head with a look of determination. “No, I want to do this. I can’t… hide forever.”

Miles chewed his lip, assessing Alex’s face for a sign of what to do. “Tell me if it gets too much. We can leave whenever.”

Alex smiled warmly at him, grabbing Miles’s hand and rubbing it briefly before letting go. “I will. You can do the same.” 

They arrived a few moments later and settled into a dark corner. Alex was tense but appeared determined not to be coddled, as he saw it. His eyes constantly darted around the place. Miles felt tense too, as a result. 

At first, he attempted to break through Alex’s silence and tried talking to him, but he was largely unresponsive and Miles’s babbling didn’t appear to be calming him down, so he stopped. Deciding on a new tactic, he simply let them eat in silence that wasn’t entirely uncomfortable. 

He liked the kind of music they played at the restaurant, mostly ‘80s hits, and commented on the tracks he enjoyed, bopping along to some of them. Alex smiled at him and Miles could sense the battle going on between his mind and his body. Gradually, he appeared to ease up, though he remained quiet. Someone who didn’t know Alex well probably wouldn’t even sense his unease. Miles imagined that an outsider would see them simply as friends enjoying a peaceful meal together, content not to speak, and it wasn’t too far from the truth. 

Miles certainly didn’t feel put out by the evening, he was used to Alex’s slightly strange behaviour at times, and he certainly didn’t take it personally. His only concern was that he’d pushed Alex into doing something he hadn’t wanted to, even though it had been Alex who was determined to eat out. He did ponder briefly whether they’d ever reach a point where they were both fully comfortable being out in public but pushed the thought to the side. He’d be happy to wait as long as it took. 

“Walk?” Alex suggested as they left the restaurant. 

Miles agreed and they walked towards a little park nearby that was pleasantly deserted. Alex lit a cigarette for him and then lit another for himself. They ambled across the grass, and slowly he watched as Alex appeared to come back to himself. “Sorry ‘bout that,” he muttered. “And thanks for bearing with me.”

“I don’t mind,” Miles replied, blowing out a stream of smoke from the corner of his mouth. “You alright now?”

“Yeah. I was fine in there too, really,” Alex assured him and Miles nodded because he believed him. He had seemed uncomfortable, but not distressed. “Just need to get used to it, is all.” 

“OK. Just don’t want you forcing yourself to do stuff you don’t want to for my benefit.” 

Alex bumped their shoulders playfully. “Not just for your benefit.”

Miles smiled at him indulgently. “You can stay at mine if your place is too far,” he suggested.

“Nah, it’s fine,” Alex replied. “Thanks, but I’ve got the therapist early tomorrow and it’s near me.”

“Oh. Right,” Miles said lamely, having forgotten about the therapy. “Hope it’s a good session.”

Alex cleared his throat. “Could you… would you come round tomorrow, after it’s over? Fair warning, I can get kind of low after, but I’d like to see you anyway if that’s OK.”

“Yeah, course, Al. That’s normal.” He’d be happy to see Alex through it. He wanted to be there for him. 

“Thanks. Here take these,” Alex said, passing him a set of keys. “You can let yourself in whenever. I should be back by eleven.”

Miles still had keys to Alex’s house, and he suspected Alex knew this, so he accepted the keys and the gesture with pleasure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from 'Going Gets Tough' by The Growlers
> 
> Final chapter should be up tomorrow. Had to separate these final chapters as they were getting too long, but it's meant this one is rather short, sorry about that!


	6. Please put down your hands, 'cause I see you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just pure fluff and smut because they deserve it

Alex returned from therapy looking absolutely shattered, but not distressed. Miles had once been told that therapy ought to be followed by something sweet and he’d never doubted the veracity of this. He made Alex a cup of milky tea and brought it over to where he was sitting on the sofa, along with a plate of bourbon biscuits and custard creams. Alex shot him a grateful look and pulled him down on the sofa, wrapping Miles’s arms around him. He held the cup in both hands. Miles found it hopelessly endearing and kissed the side of his head.

He could feel Alex’s heart thudding against his chest and waited quietly for it to slow down. He stroked his palm solidly up and down his flank, as one would with a particularly unruly horse. He didn’t voice this thought to Alex.

Alex’s eyes were closed as he sipped slowly at the tea, holding the liquid in his mouth before swallowing it as if he were both savouring the sweetness and working up the courage to actually ingest it. 

“How was it?” Miles asked after a while. “If you want to talk about it. You don’t have to.” 

Alex considered the offer for a few seconds before shrugging. “Later. ‘M tired.” He set down the cup of tea and curled up against Miles, making his body as small as possible.

“D’you want to have a lie-down?” Miles asked. Alex nodded in affirmation. “Why don’t you head to bed for a bit? I’ll make us lunch or something.”

Alex pouted with all the dedicated theatrics of a child. “Want to be with you.”

“I can come with you, if you want,” Miles offered gently.

Alex perked up a little. “Would you?”

“Course. Only if you want though.” He stroked the hair of off Alex’s face and tucked it behind his ear. 

Alex got up from the sofa and took his hand, and they walked slowly to his bedroom. When they reached the room, Alex swiftly stripped off all his clothes except his boxers and crawled into bed. Miles followed suit, lying down a few inches away from Alex in order to let him decide how close he wanted to be. Alex decided on close, rolling over and draping himself across Miles. He laid his head on his chest and splayed a hand out across his torso, over his heart, as if seeking out the rhythm. 

Alex must have been exhausted because within minutes Miles could hear his breathing even out and feel his exhalations on his skin. 

Miles hadn’t expected to drift off himself, so was rather startled when he awoke a while later. The feeling of disorientation lasted only a few seconds, as Alex’s warm, heavy presence reminded him instantly of where he was. He reached out to grab his phone and found that they’d slept for almost an hour. He wondered whether he ought to wake Alex up but was saved the decision by the feeling of Alex stirring against him, probably awoken by his movement in grabbing the phone. 

Alex blinked up at him owlishly, a smile slowly developing on his face. Miles propped himself up to kiss the corner of his mouth. He was met with a grin when he pulled away and for a while they simply remained like that, both of them reacclimatising to wakefulness. 

The midday sun streamed in through the large window, giving the pristine white sheets and walls a dazzling quality. Alex’s eyes shone in the light so that Miles could make out all the different shades in them. As Alex closed his eyes and leaned down to kiss him, he caught a glimpse of golden lashes, before he closed his own eyes to give his full attention to the kiss. 

Alex’s lips felt soft and warm against his and it felt utterly decadent to be kissed like this in the middle of the day. It reminded him of all the other points in their life when they’d been free to enjoy each other’s company whenever they wanted, rare though they’d been. Their bodies were pliant with sleep and seemed to melt into each other as they both tried to get closer. Quickly, the kiss turned sloppy, with Alex’s tongue deep in his mouth, as if he were trying to crawl inside him. Miles let out a low moan, wishing Alex could. 

He could feel himself already getting hard, which he’d be embarrassed about if he couldn’t also feel Alex’s arousal pressed against his leg. Neither of them seemed in a rush to do anything about it, keeping their hips steady and simply focusing on their wet, open-mouthed kisses. The sensation was intoxicating and Miles longed for more of it. He gripped Alex’s head and licked the roof his mouth before curling their tongues together. Alex’s body shuddered against his and they both pulled back, gasping.

Alex lay his head back down on Miles’s chest while he caught his breath and Miles was suddenly reminded of the events of this morning. “This isn’t another reaction to your therapist talking about your sexuality is it?” he asked gently while stroking Alex’s hair. 

Alex looked startled. “What? Oh. No. I’d forgotten about it, to be honest,” he said with a little frown.

“Oh,” Miles said, slightly surprised. 

“Really,” Alex murmured. “My sexuality’s not an issue. I’m pretty comfortable with it.” 

Miles decided to go with it and seized the low hanging fruit. He waggled his eyebrows suggestively. “Are you?” he murmured while shifting his leg so it brushed against where Alex was still hard. “Doesn’t feel that comfortable.”

Alex let out an incredulous and delighted gasp. “’Mm, you’re right. You could help me get comfortable?” he said with a cheeky, hopeful grin. 

“Suppose I should really,” Miles replied, his voice teasing, before he rolled over so they were both facing each other and captured Alex’s lips back for another kiss. The kisses felt less leisurely this time - they were hungrier. Miles was seized by a desire to consume Alex. His mouth was so delightfully hot and eager. They kissed desperately until they were out of breath. 

Miles moved down to bury his head in Alex’s neck, inhaling the rich, heady scent of his warm skin that was just starting to sweat. He licked along the crease where his neck met his head then nipped at the skin by the back of his neck. Alex gasped and gripped Miles’s hair to keep him in place, desperately arching his body for more. Miles pressed bruising kisses to his neck and collarbone, suddenly dizzyingly aware of the fact that, for the first time, he’d be able to mark Alex as much as he wanted.

He pushed Alex onto his back so he could lean over his body and get full access. Sucking vigorously at the pale skin on display, he relished the high breathy sounds Alex made and the way his hips jolted uselessly up into the air as Miles held his body away from him. 

“Fuck, Miles,” Alex groaned when Miles bit down hard on a patch of skin that was already a dark red. Enjoying Alex’s desperation, Miles moved downwards to flick one of his nipples with his tongue. He then wrapped his mouth around it and sucked before moving onto the other one, still keeping his hips away from Alex. The sound of Alex’s anguished moans filled the room. 

Seemingly unable to take the teasing any longer, Alex pulled a knee up and rubbed it against Miles’s crotch. Miles heard himself gasp and Alex used his momentary distraction to roll them over so he was lying on top of Miles. He was tempted to roll them back over, but he sensed that Alex wanted to be in control, and Miles was happy to relinquish it. 

Alex pinned his wrists over his head and grinned down at him triumphantly. Miles grinned back lazily. Alex ducked down to kiss him slowly and thoroughly while grinding against him until the control Miles had gifted him wasn’t merely an illusion but a reality. Sensing his victory, Alex let go of his hands and Miles simply rubbed them up and down Alex’s skin, needing to feel the softness and warmth of his flesh. 

“Off,” Alex demanded, and Miles lifted his hips so that Alex could take off his boxers. Alex got up and stripped off his own, then pulled a bottle of lube out of the drawer and handed it to Miles. Miles was relieved to find it was brand new and opened it as Alex climbed back on top of him. They both let out groans as their cocks pressed together. Miles slicked up his hand and wrapped it around them, pumping them a few times before Alex batted his hand away.

“Fuck. Your hands. Stop, I’m already close,” Alex moaned. He placed his hands on either side of Miles’s head to hold himself up and rutted against Miles. “Want it like this, want it to last. Just want to feel you.” 

“Yes,” Miles agreed desperately, spreading his legs and clutching at Alex’s hips to urge him forwards. He gazed up at Alex, transfixed by the sight of his pained expression through the damp strands of hair that had fallen over his face. He removed one hand from Alex’s hip to push his hair back and Alex looked down at him with hooded dark eyes. “Fuck, you’re so lovely,” Miles whispered in a wrecked voice. 

Alex leaned down to kiss him messily, missing Miles’s mouth in his eagerness. In the end, they were simply panting into each other’s mouths. Miles found it difficult to focus on anything other than the warm, hard body thrusting against his. Their bodies were touching everywhere and yet Miles craved more contact.

“Feels so good,” Alex said in a harsh, awed voice. “You feel amazing. I’m so close. Are you close?” he babbled. 

Miles nodded and he could hear himself making pathetic whimpering noises but couldn’t bring himself to care, not when Alex was snapping up his hips rapidly and making equally broken sounds. Miles grabbed hold of his arse and kneaded it, feeling the muscles ripple with Alex’s movements. 

Alex leaned down to kiss him again so his entire body was enveloping Miles in a way that made him feel loved and protected. As their tongues slid against each other, Miles found himself unable to hold out any longer and arched his back, coming all over their stomachs. Alex watched him, transfixed, then gasped and came moments later, groaning Miles’s name. 

“Fuck,” Alex said later when they’d more or less caught their breath. “Think I need another nap now.”

Miles laughed. “Don’t. You won’t be able to sleep tonight.”

“That,” Alex said with an arched eyebrow and a smirk, “isn’t the worst-case scenario you think it is. I can think of far better ways to spend the night, in fact.” He enunciated each word with great deliberation. “For example, I’d love for you to fuck me senseless.” The words were murmured against Miles’s ear, his lips brushing the shell. Miles shivered. 

“You make a compelling argument,” Miles conceded. “But I’m starving, so I’m going to eat.” Miles pretended to get up while having no intention to move quite yet. He felt immensely comfortable exactly where he was. Alex fell for it, whining at Miles to stay in bed, and Miles made a show of giving into Alex, who looked smug. Miles felt quite smug too, basking in the easy, familiar intimacy. He loved how relaxed and contented Alex got after sex and wanted to simply bask in it for as long as possible. 

They eventually did make it back to the kitchen for food. Miles sat down and began to eat while trying to stare at Alex at the same time. He was fairly used to this sort of multitasking, as was Alex. The staring contest dissolved into giggles after a while. 

“Do you wanna tell me about your therapy yet?” Miles asked after their laughter has subsided while tracing patterns into the skin on Alex’s hands with his finger. 

Alex rolled his eyes then said in an exaggerated singsong voice: “Miles Kane wants me to talk about my feelings, the absolute bastard.”

Miles simply rolled his eyes in return but couldn’t help the little smile that quirked at the corners of his lips. Alex only did the singing thing when he was feeling comfortable and playful, and it pleased Miles greatly to hear it. 

“When did you know you liked men?” Alex asked after he’d collected himself.

“So you did talk about your sexuality at therapy?” Miles murmured knowingly. 

Alex shrugged. “Not in a, ‘I need to come to terms with it’ sort of way. Just in a ‘it’s been a part of my life that I’ve only really understood quite recently’ way.”

Miles nodded and answered Alex’s question “Think I always knew. Did try to ignore it for quite a while though. Thought I could since I liked birds too.”

“Me too. For a long time I think I thought it couldn’t be serious with men,” Alex said with a rueful little smile. “Think I were scared of what would happen if I let myself fall for a man and admitted to it.” 

Miles, who had definitely been in that place too, felt a sad ache in his chest at Alex’s words. “Yeah. Eventually, I just had to admit to being in love with you, though. Fucking inconvenient,” he muttered with a lightness he didn’t entirely feel.

Alex gripped his hand. “I hope it’s proved to be a little more convenient. Being in love with you has been for me.”

“Al,” Miles said with a smile, “you’re a lot of things, but you’re not at all convenient.”

Alex let out a little huff. “You know what I mean.”

Miles kissed him on the cheek. “I do.”

“Good.” 

They spent the rest of the day in the studio, playing around with instruments rather aimlessly. Miles had forgotten how good it felt to experiment with tunes with Alex, particularly when there was no pressure. Alex seemed in similarly high-spirits, excitedly showing Miles some of his latest work. Utterly transfixed, Miles listened to Alex while feeling overwhelmed by his love for him. 

After dinner, they wandered over to the living room with their glasses of wine and Alex sat on the sofa while Miles put on a Dusty Springfield record. Miles let out an excited sound when ‘Anyone Who Had a Heart’ came on. “Fuck! It’s a banger!” He turned to Alex and started singing the song at him with exaggerated anguish. “Anyone who ever dreamed, could look at me and know I dream of you. Knowing I love you, so – oh!” He yelled the words at Alex, trying not to break into laughter.

Alex watched him with fondness, giggling as Miles serenaded him. Miles took the instrumental as an opportunity to drag Alex off the sofa, disregarding his playful protest. They sang the last few lines together with all the drama they required: “Anyone who had a heart would simply take me in his arms and always love me why won't you? Yeah, anyone who had a heart would love me too.”

“Oh my God! That song goes so hard,” Miles said eagerly. Alex agreed, buoyant in the face of Miles’s enthusiasm. “The drama! She’s a legend.”

“She was gay,” Alex commented in an offhand voice. “It made her life really difficult.”

Miles understood what Alex was trying to get at, but didn’t want him to have the opportunity to worry. Holding Alex’s hands, he rubbed soothing circles into his skin. “Things are better now. They’re going to be better,” he said earnestly, willing Alex to believe him. Alex gave a tentative smile in return, and Miles might have continued to reassure him if the next song hadn’t started to play.

“Ooh another tuuune!” he cried, drawing out the word, as ‘I Only Want To Be With You’ came on. Alex laughed at him and grabbed his hands, moving their joined arms back and forward in an exuberantly silly attempt at dancing. 

“You stopped and smiled at me, asked me if I'd care to dance,” they sang loudly. “I fell into your open arms, and I didn't stand a chance.” Alex threw his arms comically wide into the air and Miles stepped into his embrace. Alex wrapped his arms tightly around him. 

When ‘Am I The Same Girl’ came on, Alex made to continue their dancing but suddenly halted, taking in Miles’s expression. “What’s wrong? Don’t you like this song?”

Miles shook his head. “I do. Just listened to it a lot recently.” As he said it, Dusty sang: “We were much too young to love each other this way”. 

Alex stilled, his face suddenly overcome with regret. “Could we make a new association for it?”

Miles looked up at him with a tentative smile. “We could try.”

“OK,” Alex said, and he began singing along in a terrible falsetto that made Miles laugh. He put his hands into the air, waving them around, and began to dance along to the song. Miles regarded him with great affection as he moved his body fluidly, swivelling his hips in that oddly endearing way of his. He loved the silly, overly literal gestures that Alex made in accompaniment. When he got to the line: “But we are no longer too youngto love each other this way”, he delivered it with a sweet earnestness, halting his dance to place his hands on Miles’s hips. Miles pecked a kiss to his lips. 

“Did that work at all?” Alex asked as the song faded out, a hopeful note in his voice.

Miles smiled at his eagerness to please and nodded. “You’re a charmer, Turner,” he said teasingly.

Alex let out a little huff in response but then continued in earnest: "I can't wait for all the happy associations we're going to create together."

"We've already got loads, Al."

"We do. Just looking forward to making more," Alex said with a little smile.

When the more sensuous tune of ‘The Look of Love’ began to play, Alex pulled him close so that their torsos were pressed together and he rested his head on Miles’s shoulder. Their arms wrapped tightly around each other’s bodies. Miles cradled Alex’s head as they swayed in place, singing along with the song in a hushed whisper that made Miles feel like the words were being embedded into his very soul. 

As they sang the final lines: “Don't ever go, I love you so”, Miles titled Alex’s head up so they could look at each other. He gazed into Alex’s eyes and was overcome by the undisguised love and longing in them. He sealed their lips together as ‘Wishin’ and Hopin’’ started.

The kiss started gently but quickly became more frantic. Miles licked eagerly into Alex’s mouth, tasting the rich, fruity wine they’d been drinking on his tongue. Alex moaned into the kiss and Miles could feel his lithe body growing pliant against his. He gripped tightly onto Alex, kissing him harder. Alex clawed at his back and neck, urging Miles on. Miles pulled away and stroked Alex’s hair back. “Want me to make good on your earlier request?” he asked gently.

Alex looked up at him with wide dark eyes and nodded. 

They stumbled back to the bedroom, stopping several times just to push each other up against a wall until they were breathless. When they reached the door to the bedroom Miles shoved Alex against it, pinning his wrists over his head and kissing him thoroughly. He was delighted by how Alex squirmed against him, desperate for contact. He slipped his leg between Alex’s to give him what he needed while grinding against Alex’s thigh to reassure him of just how much he wanted him too.

“Look at you,” he whispered reverently as he pulled back to watch Alex writhe against him, body pinned in place and eyes shut. Miles brought his hand to Alex’s face and ran his index finger along Alex’s lower lip. Alex’s eyes snapped open and he licked the tip of Miles’s finger then surged forward to try and capture it in his mouth. Miles touched the inside of his lip before putting his finger into Alex’s mouth. Alex shut his eyes again and sucked hotly at his finger, his tongue moving sinfully around it. 

“Fuck,” Miles muttered, unable to take his eyes off Alex.

Alex pulled off his finger, his lips wrapped tightly around it as he did so. “Want to suck you off,” he said, making it sound as if Miles would be doing him a favour by allowing this. He pushed his head into Miles’s shoulder in a silent demand for Miles to grab it, so he did. Sliding both hands into Alex’s hair, he pushed him down and Alex dropped willingly to his knees.

Alex nudged his face against Miles’s crotch, simply rubbing against it as if savouring the sensation. His eyes were closed and he already looked blissed out. While Miles enjoyed the sight, he also felt desperate to have Alex’s mouth around him so he tugged at his hair to get him back on track. Alex groaned and looked up at him; smirking lazily at the undisguised desperation he must have seen in Miles’s face. He began to take off Miles’s trousers and boxers before swallowing him down in one go. 

Miles gasped at the feeling of suddenly being engulfed in Alex’s hot, wet mouth. He was desperate to lean back and enjoy the sensation, but even more than that, he wanted to be able to watch as Alex moved up and down his cock, his lips red and swollen. “Fuck, Al, you’re so good at this. Look at you.” Alex’s eyes snapped up to his and Miles gasped at how angelic he appeared on his knees, gazing up at him through his lashes. “You’re so gorgeous, baby,” he murmured, his voice wrecked, and Alex moaned around him in response. 

He continued to watch, transfixed as Alex began to palm himself through his trousers. Miles reckoned it was only the fact that they’d had sex just hours ago that prevented him from immediately coming down Alex’s throat. With a broken groan, he tugged Alex off. The way Alex looked up at him, dazed and confused, was incredibly gratifying. 

Miles pulled him up to kiss him hungrily, wondering whether Alex’s mouth stung. “Still want to fuck you,” he breathed against Alex’s ear. Alex moaned his agreement and dropped his head back so that Miles could kiss behind his ear and down his jaw. He took off Alex’s clothes slowly, his progress halted by simply having to kiss each new patch of exposed skin. He wanted to take his time with this, wanted to drive Alex wild with it. Judging from the desperate sounds Alex was making, he was succeeding. 

He removed Alex’s boxers and felt his mouth water at the sight of his cock, red and leaking. He resisted the temptation to take him down immediately, still wanting to tease. He kissed Alex’s thighs reverently, squeezing the muscled flesh. Carefully, he grazed his mouth over his skin and Alex’s hands scrabbled for purchase in his hair, desperately trying to get him to move up. Miles refused, leisurely sucking at the delicate pale skin. Alex’s panting grew louder. “Miles, please,” he whined with frustration.

Miles grinned up at him wolfishly. “All you had to do was ask, baby.”

“Please,” Alex repeated, with unashamed desperation that made Miles shiver.

He worked his way up Alex’s thigh. He kissed the base of Alex’s cock and then took his balls in his mouth, sucking at them and delighting in the way Alex’s thighs shook. It felt just as good to see the signs of his hold over Alex as it had the first time he’d realised, so many years ago. It made him want to shower him with attention, smother him with it completely. 

He gripped Alex’s hips to push him up slightly so he could lick the sensitive flesh just behind his balls. Alex made a strange guttural sound and tried to lift himself so Miles could get better access. Miles placed his legs around his shoulder began to kiss and lick around Alex’s pucker. Alex’s whole body was trembling now. “Oh God, Miles,” Alex whispered harshly and suddenly placed a bottle of lube into Miles’s hand. “Fuck me, please. Can’t wait.”

Miles might have found his desperation amusing if he wasn’t so hopelessly aroused. He nodded and slicked up a finger, carefully pressing it into Alex. Alex let out a satisfied little sigh and Miles rewarded his enthusiasm by pressing a kiss to the head of his cock and taking the tip into his mouth. Alex rocked up into his mouth, then back down onto his fingers and Miles felt drunk on how much he was enjoying it. 

He pulled off so that he could watch Alex, pressing a kiss to his stomach then moving up to his mouth, suddenly desperate for a proper kiss. Alex immediately cradled his head in his hands and they kissed with dizzying intensity. “I want you so much,” Miles whispered breathlessly against Alex’s skin.

“Take me. I’m yours,” Alex replied, his eyes glassy but still burning Miles with their dark longing. 

Miles felt completely overcome with love for him and kissed his flushed, sweaty face all over. Alex giggled slightly at Miles’s excess; the sound was high and breathy. The sound was infections and Miles giggled back, rubbing their noses together before kissing him again, slow and sweet. 

He returned his attention to opening Alex up, curling his fingers at just the right angle to make him gasp. Alex’s head was thrown back against the pillow and his damp hair formed a strange halo around his head. The muscles in his exposed neck were taut and the skin was littered with bruises. He looked completely debauched already, as Miles continued to fuck with him his fingers. 

“I’m ready, please,” Alex gasped out. “Want to come with you inside me. Want you to show me I’m yours.”

The words hit Miles hard and he had to close his eyes to collect himself. When he reopened them, Alex handed him a condom, which Miles rolled on, clumsy with desire. He crawled on top of Alex so their overheated skin was touching everywhere and kissed him hard. 

“You are mine,” he murmured hotly and Alex whined and bucked upwards. “And I’m yours.” He lined himself up at Alex’s entrance and pushed slowly into him. For a moment they simply stayed in that position, gazing at each other with expressions full of wonder. Eventually, his hips twitched slightly, his body unable to hold back any longer. Alex’s eyes fell shut with a quiet groan as he began fucking into him, slow and hard. 

“Fuck,” he whispered, leaning his head down onto the pillow next to Alex’s, suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. “This feels so good.” His voice had a strange, broken quality and he found it difficult to identify it as his own. Alex made a choked sound in response and Miles propped himself up to look at Alex. “Oh, Al,” he said, suddenly panicked as caught sight of Alex with his eyes screwed tightly shut, tears gathered at the corners. “Are you alright? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

Alex shook his head vigorously and wiped uselessly at his eyes with hands that were balled up. Miles used a thumb to stroke the delicate skin below Alex’s eyes and Alex let out another choked sob in response, which turned into a slightly manic laugh. “Sorry,” Alex muttered through strangled laughter. “I’m being so fucking wet. I missed being this close to you.”

Miles laughed in response, overcome with relief and by the fact that Alex had managed to verbalise what he was feeling. “Oh my God, me too.” 

Alex smiled up at, his eyes still shiny, and Miles smiled back, his vision suddenly blurry. Alex stroked his head and encouraged him to rest their foreheads together. Alex bucked his hips up gently to urge Miles on, and he complied eagerly. He tilted his hips until he got the angle right and then pounded into Alex’s eager body. Alex scratched his nails up and down his back while emitting a litany of whimpering sounds. He was ethereally beautiful and Miles suddenly felt right on the edge. 

He grabbed Alex’s neglected cock and pumped up and down, wanting them to come together. “Come for me, baby, wanna see you come,” he murmured into Alex’s ear while twisting his palm over the head of his cock. Alex groaned wretchedly beneath him and came instantly. Miles took a moment to watch before he was undone by the feeling of Alex’s body fluttering around him and he thrust deeply inside him while he came, babbling praise at Alex. 

Panting, he flopped down on Alex’s chest before rolling partially off him to allow the other man to catch his breath. He draped himself across Alex’s side and buried his face in his neck. Alex wrapped an arm around him and stroked his back with just the right amount of pressure while turning his face into Miles’s hair and inhaling deeply. Miles wondered if he’d ever felt so content in his life and lifted his head to give Alex an insane, besotted grin, which Alex mirrored easily.

“Love it when we do that,” Alex murmured. “It’s like we’re the same person for a bit.” At the curious look Miles shot him, Alex tried to explain, looking a bit embarrassed. “Just mean, like, it feels like I’m as close to you as is physically possible. Which I like,” he trailed off with a shrug.

“I like it too.” Miles smiled against Alex’s skin and wrapped him himself more tightly round Alex. 

“Like the twin thing?” Alex muttered in a bit of a rush. “Sorry, that sounds fucking weird. I’ve… have you ever wished we were just… the same person?”

“Yeah,” Miles said without pausing for thought, because he suddenly knew exactly what Alex meant, despite the seeming incongruence of his words. “I loved it when people used to say we looked like twins. It were a bit like… I just felt so connected to you. I liked that it were obvious to others. Made it feel like it weren’t all in me head, y’know.”

Alex nodded eagerly. “Exactly. Felt like the only way for us to be any closer and for it to be more obvious would be for us to just be the same person. At first I thought it were just because I wanted to be like you, because I admired you.” Miles made a cooing sound and did a little kissy face at Alex, who laughed and shook his head. “Well, I did. Realised it were also ‘cause I wanted you and loved you but that were the only way I could understand it at the time.

“I don’t feel the need for us to be one person anymore though,” Alex added. 

“You’ve got me for real now,” Miles whispered, their faces touching. “Always and forever, if you want.” 

Alex twined their fingers together and gave him a searing kiss. “I’d like nothing more.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Chapter title from 'I'll Be Your Mirror' by The Velvet Underground, which is also where the overall title is from.


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